157 Sundays to go.
- 157 dead pigs were fished out of a Chinese river. http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/19/chinese-authorities-157-dead-pigs-river Only environmental concerns were addressed in the article. It fails to answer the most obvious question: How did 157 pigs get in the river? I could see 2 or 3 but isn’t it odd that some lemming affect could bring 157 pigs to the same fate? “Hey, where is Porky going? Looks like he’s going swimming. Hey, that looks like fun?” Maybe some dude or dudes put them in there but c’mon man give? I want answers!!!
- 157 people people died in a coal mining blast in Turkey this month. http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2014/05/13/157-dead-in-coal-mine-blast-in-turkey/
- I was born in 1(9)57. A few months ago I had a revelation that I am 57 years old and I was born in 1957. This is really trippy I thought and look how brilliant I am that I put this together. Until I realized that this happens to everyone. Everyone who was born in 2007 will probably turn 7 this year. Oooohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Jeez, I’m a freaking Einstein! Put me on the Discovery Channel.
- I really didn’t want to write this but its so childish I just have to. It’ll be therapeutic to throw it out and in the process get rid of it. But if I stumbled on this blog and read this crap I’d think, “this guy’s an immature attention freak. If he has any friends, they’re probably superficial. He probably posts selfies of himself on facebook and goes back all day to see if anyone “likes” it. What a geek!!!!!!” This is one reason why I have told no one about this blog not even my wonderful wife. If I know my audience I probably would be altering what I write to make it acceptable. I’m a people pleaser and this is definitely not pleasing.
- The pain of separation was semi-acute last night. There is this teacher I used to work with who I am friends with on Facebook. She left our school 5 years ago. She was an exceptional teacher who also shared my liberal beliefs and I connected with her. Or so I thought. The past few years I have posted mindfulness teachings that I thought she would resonate with once or twice to her page and made comments on things she has written but never got anything back. And then last night she made a post about kids with a class picture of kids in her 4th grade class(including some I had the year before in the 3rd grade) who are now graduating from high school. She tagged a few teachers (including one teacher who we both didn’t have a lot of respect for)but not me. That was the last straw and I childishly unfriended her. That’ll show her. I’m sure she’ll really notice one less than her 400 something friend count that grows every day.
- There’s a lot of things going on here. But they’re all based on my false identity of self. This self that I have unconsciously developed over the years to deal with emotional discomfort. I thought about this as I usually do when I feel any emotional discomfort. There is this ugly negative dark cloud feeling inside me that arises. I have been doing awareness techniques for a few years now so I am usually if not in constant contact with my sensations, I’m at least in the neighborhood. Negative emotions are usually not around for very long. I sense them. I notice them and then feel them without conceptual thinking until they dissipate. I don’t notice when they aren’t there anymore. I just realize a when the subject pops up again that I’m no longer feeling bad and remember that a while back I was. I have a cold sore analogy. When you have a cold sore its all you can think about. But when it goes away, you don’t realize it has gone. The next day or days after you think, “oh, yeah, remember that burning painful cold sore I had a few days ago? It’s gone.” I’m not conscious of the immediate release of the painful emotions.
- I sensed the bad emotional feeling and realized it was because of the slight of this “friend.” I knew it was ridiculous because I knew her barely 5 years ago. We never really hung out but saw each other in passing, shared a laugh or hanging around the staff room making copies or sat together a couple of times in staff meetings. I don’t think she had the same reverence for me that I had for her. I’m a loose cannon and sometimes say inappropriate things to get a laugh or to try to draw attention upon myself when I’m feeling inadequate. She is was very dignified and careful about how she presented herself. She probably was glad to not have to deal with me again. We all know people we don’t wish ill will on but if we never saw them again it would be no big loss. She probably accepted me as a friend on Facebook because its tacky not to. So, I’m sensing this emotional bad feeling and the usual “notice, be aware, let it ride out” is not working. Probably because I can’t help but go back to conceptual thinking of all the things I just outlined. I’m feeling less than.
- I also have to admit that I am feeling this horrible pride that I am better than someone. I feel that I am better than that other teacher who she feels is OK enough to socialize with. I cannot accept that I am a worthless piece of crap and she is not. Two things are wrong with that. One is the obvious that all humans are equal. I am not better than anyone else. And the second less obvious is that I am psychologically dependent on others and have a need for everyone to like me. Probably comes from being the youngest by 5 years in my family. I cannot accept my own self worth. I need someone else to validate it. Obviously my wonderful wife thinks I am far more than acceptable. The others in my family love me. My students adore me. But one person from 5 years ago that I barely knew isn’t overwhelmingly star struck with me and I have an emotional meltdown. Aren’t there some people I have been acquainted with that I am at least neutral about? Why does everyone have to think I am wonderful? She probably doesn’t even dislike me. I am just forgettable to her.
- It goes against this unconscious image I have of myself. Every now and then I have this semi-conscious mental picture of myself. Probably everybody does. It’s that unconscious image that crops up when we are embarrassed, insecure but also flattered. I’m not looking in the mirror but there’s this hazy mental image. When things are right there’s this nice guy who’s funny, cool, and Kevin Baconish attractive. That’s the guy I’ve been compared to. This positive image I have is not what everyone else see. For one thing the guy I unconsciously see is in his 20’s. I am 57. I never study myself in the mirror because frankly I’ve never liked what I saw. I look at myself two times a day when I get out of the shower and have to comb my hair and brush my teeth and at the end of the day when I’m also brushing my teeth. But I’m focused on the hair and teeth. And not even there 100% because I’m locked on something that happened yesterday or something that’s going to happen tomorrow. Once a couple of months ago I happened to look at the whole package in the mirror. Even though I’m considered young looking for my age I really saw the face lines and the grey hair. It was kind of shocking. I’m not always cool and composed. Sometimes I’m in my own world and preoccupied. The reality is that I look somewhere in between a 20 year old relaxed Kevin Bacon and that DUI photo of Nick Nolte with definite leanings more towards Nolte. I have never seen myself not with a nice look on myself because that’s my face when I’m looking in the mirror. I never have the look in the mirror when I’m annoyed or angry. Maybe that’s not a wonderful sight to behold.
- Anyway, this too shall pass. The cold sore of this former friend will soon be nothing. Still it bothers me that I have these feelings of separation. I keep thinking that one day I won’t have these feelings but maybe that’s wrong too. They are just sensations. And sensations are not wrong. The suffering happens when thoughts give way to conceptual thoughts about the sensations. They arise and pass away.
200 Sundays to Go 