The Last Post

 

 

153 Sundays to go.

• The Bible tells of the Apostles going fishing and catching exactly 153 fish.

     California governor, Jerry Brown  signed into law a measure that will make it easier to fire teachers in California.     This law will effectively end this blog.   I cannot take a chance that I will get fired over anything said in this blog.  I have spoken of recovery in this blog and my past alcoholism could be construed as dangerous and I should not be around children.  Despite the fact that my alcoholism was always conducted away from school in the evenings and on weekends.  This is just another in a series of moves that the right wing and the super rich have orchestrated to get rid of the “evil teacher unions.”    Proponents will argue it was necessary to take away the rights of dedicated hard working teachers to be able to quickly punish the tiny, tiny few who do admittedly horrible things and should be removed from teaching and punished.
       But the real reason for the law is to begin to systematically get rid of the teacher unions.    They will first go after the brave union leaders.   They  will find small things,  blow them out of proportion and with the help of the corporate media further undermine the profession.    In short time, public education will be privatized for the profit of the super rich which is the eventual goal.  Without a strong union, teachers will be working for a minimum wage with little benefits and no hope for retirement.    Teaching will no longer be a career.   Our young people will be taught by people without the rigorous training now required.    Who is going to get a 4 year degree and endure another 2 year teacher credentialing classes to make minimum wage?     This teacher credentialing program will be ended because they won’t be able to find enough qualified teachers.   Then they will institute their own watered down credentialing program, for profit of course.    A quality education will be a thing of the past.    
       I publish this last blog to establish closure with the few of you who were reading.   I will not delete the blog in case someone suffering might find something helpful.  
       Good luck to you and may everything go your way.

Tinge of Agression

154 Sundays to go.

• Shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets.  I’ve read 0 of them not even the Cliff Notes.   I appreciate lines like “full of sound and fury signifying nothing” which will be on my tombstone.    I know people who say they love Willie once they took a class and someone explained what was going on.   I don’t want to work that hard.  
• Up until 1961, Major League Baseball played 154 games before increasing to the present day 162. 

       I began a daily meditation practice of 20 minutes this week in the evening while my wonderful wife was watching her favorite show.     I don’t do the full lotus, or even the half lotus because its too painful.    I can’t get my legs into that position.    I remember seeing my 8 year old students sit on the floor and sitting on their butts.   Then they put their legs underneath them into an “M” shape.   That’s a flexibility I never had even as a youth 50 years ago.   I tell that to my students and tell them about the “M” shape and half of them immediately flop into it beaming at me as I stare in amazement.      I used to sit cross legged on a meditation cushion but now I don’t even do that.    When I get up 20 minutes later I’m stiff and hobbling.   If I thought I would loosen myself up eventually and get used to it, I would persist but I tried and it doesn’t get better.    So now I just sit comfortably on my bed with my back straight.    Again,  I don’t want to work that hard.   The Buddha called it the middle way.    Why torture myself?

         The first day went fine, boring but fine.   But that’s the meditation, to be aware of the boredom and be ok with what is happening.    The second day, I realized about 5 minutes into it that I forgot to send an email and spent another 3 minutes conceptually thinking about the email.   I knew I could just do it later but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.    I tried to be fine with not being able to do it.    I tried being fine that I was uncomfortable with not being able to do it.    Then I just got up and did the email.     Hell,  its just one day.     Later I thought that’s how, in my alcoholism, I used to confront  wanting to drink.    I would tell myself all the reasons why I shouldn’t but then I would still find myself driving to the liquor store getting alcohol.   Oh, well.   I’ll just have a couple.   A couple turned into another vicious hangover and all the regrets and bad feelings that come with another alcoholic ass kicking.  

        The next day, right before I went in for meditation I started thinking about a recent situation where I was wronged and what I should have done and said.   It was too late to turn it around but still mind was racing and the angry feelings of martyrdom were percolating.    I went in and sat with it.   I felt the feelings and then about 3 minutes later I realized I was not meditating but deep in martyrdom and wasted the last 3 minutes.    I got back in and was OK with not feeling OK but a little while later had gone back into the “land of what’s not happening” and quit.      I knew again I should just ride it out but saw myself getting up rather than confront what was really happening.   I was “not content with what I was experiencing.”

          I read a column in Shambala Sun by Sakyong Mipham, the son of Chogyam Trungpa.   He said, “…you are experiencing a tinge of aggression, which manifests as a feeling of disharmony and uneasiness.   We are not content with what we are experiencing.”  I was not content with being bored, not being able to do the email or the feelings of being wronged.
He goes on to say we have a natural ease and clarity.    I stumbled upon this when I used to use Thich Nhat Hanh’s method of a half smile during meditation.  Sounds ridiculous to be smiling like an idiot when you’re by yourself with nothing obvious to be smiling about. But, you know what? It works. Turns out subconsciously you know you have lots to be smiling about. Conceptual mind or ego blocks it out. Ego survives on being in turmoil.   It was easy and natural and is always instantly available.    

        I was armed to use that the next day in meditation.    I was going to smile when I felt like getting up.    I  never got the chance.   The meditation went off without a hitch.    A little boring in spots but then I’m trying to get over that sometimes life is just what it is and it is just is sometimes.   In fact it always just is.    Smiling and being happy is easy.    When I do it, I sometimes just disappear and become the happiness.     I feel the boundaries of what I take myself to be expanding.    There is a pressure in my head and a feeling that I am expanding my physical space.     It is a little scary.   I wonder when I do it if it could be dangerous.    Maybe I won’t snap out of it and will disappear.

       I remember once having an out of body experience when I was in high school after smoking a lot of pot.    I was lying in my bed and I had this sense that I was above myself.     I sensed my family around me talking about me as if I had died or that I never snapped out of the high and I was just lying there as a vegetable.      It was scary and it bothered me for a few days after.   Maybe the memory of that still lingers when I do that meditation.    I’ll lose what I take myself to be.    From what I read and hear from the masters that exactly what I should want to happen.   Still its a scary proposition turning away from exactly what ego has built to protect itself.   Ego wants it to be scary.

       I will keep it going.    No word yet on when I’m going to start my daily guitar practice again.    First things first.    At least that’s what I’m going with.   

Summer Boredom

155 Sundays to go.

• Kate Middleton’s phone was hacked 155 times by a News of the World reporter. http://time.com/99781/kate-middleton-phone-hack/  This is how far journalism has degenerated.    Also the length the corporate media will go to report celebrity scandals instead of how they’re screwing the middle class.
• Here’s a video giving a taste of what it feels like going 155 mph in a Lambborghini.  http://www.cbsnews.com/news/what-it-feels-like-155-in-a-lamborghini/  I didn’t watch it.    Wasn’t interested.   Going 80 makes me nervous.

Always takes me awhile to fully comprehend that the school year is over.  I know it conceptually.   Obviously I don’t have to devote time to preparing lessons for the next week but mentally I’m still there.   I find myself pulling weeds in the garden  thinking, “I wonder if I tried this with Geraldo if he’d catch on.”    Then about 5 minutes later I realize a) I had no idea I just pulled up a couple of things that weren’t weeds because I was off in educational la-la land and b)  I don’t even have a kid named Geraldo.     Then I go off again into another mental time zone while I try to replant the flower I pulled up by mistake.
I  also think about difficult challenges as if they are happening in the present moment and feel the physical energy angst that arises with negativity.    I’m not in the present moment.   I’m back in the “land of what’s not happening” as recovery guru, Paul Hedderman likes to say.   I snap out of it, try to enjoy what is actually happening but soon I’ll be time traveling again.
The first week or two is very nice but then I start to get a little bored.    I don’t usually tell people that because rather than having sympathy for me they get pissed off.   And who wouldn’t?   Who’s going to feel sorry for someone laying around the house bored while they’re working their ass off?  They wish they could be so bored.    I try to remember how I am in September when I’m trying to control a group of kids and get them to concentrate.   I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  I get pissed off thinking about how I was bored sitting around doing nothing.   So where would I rather be?   Back in September wanting to scream out loud or bored because I’m not having going-to-Disneyland fun.   A good portion of my alcoholism stemmed from my perception of being “bored.”   Being really, really drunk was more fun than real life.
This summer like every summer I have plans to fight the boredom and accomplish something.   I’m a hack guitar player who isn’t very good because I don’t play enough.    So why not set a goal to play for at least 30 minutes a day?   So, I do but I then realize why I stop.   It’s very frustrating because I want to be Eddie Van Halen but I’m having difficulty smoothly playing easy pieces.    But I just have to fight through it and remember the goal is to play for 30 minutes whether I’m terrible or not.    This year I thought I could also combine it with my awareness exercises.   While playing be aware that I’m playing and notice the negative energy while I’m playing that causes me to stop.   I stop because subconsciously I don’t like the negative energy.    I will play and while playing notice the energy and play through it.   Notice it is not me but is just energy.    I’ll get better while consistently playing for 30 minutes a day.   Playing the guitar will once again be fun.
I can watch baseball and practice awareness.   I like baseball but start getting frustrated because I don’t like the way it is going.    So what?   What do I have to do with the game.   Accept that the outcome is not going the way you want.    Feel the energy and let it ride itself out.    Appreciate that I’m home lying on a couch watching baseball instead of being captive and stressed out at work.    Rest into the feelings and feel them completely.   Enjoy that your home watching great players play a great sport.
I also want to start a daily meditating practice again.   I meditated for years but stopped.   I got into Advaita.   The advaita masters say they’re basically in meditation all day long by being in awareness.    I used that as an excuse because the reality is that meditation is difficult.    Meditation done correctly is not just zoning out.    It’s being aware totally without conceptual thought.   But when I meditate, conceptual thought keeps creeping in.    It creeps in so insidiously that I don’t even realize it.   Just suddenly I become aware that I have been thinking about something that happened two weeks ago for the last 2 minutes.    Then I get frustrated.    Then I feel bad about it because I’ve wasted my time and I’ll never get any good at this and blah-blah-blah…again doing anything BUT being in non conceptual awareness.    But like the guitar playing it takes practice.   But don’t quit just because I’m frustrated.   As they say in AA, “don’t quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens.”

From Kevin Bacon to Nick Nolte

157 Sundays to go.

• 157 dead pigs were fished out of a Chinese river.   http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/19/chinese-authorities-157-dead-pigs-river Only environmental concerns were addressed in the article.   It fails to answer the most obvious question:   How did 157 pigs get in the river?   I could see 2 or 3 but isn’t it odd that some lemming affect could bring 157 pigs to the same fate?  “Hey,  where is Porky going?  Looks like he’s going swimming.   Hey, that looks like fun?”  Maybe some dude or dudes put them in there but c’mon man give?    I want answers!!!
• 157 people people died in a coal mining blast in Turkey this month. http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2014/05/13/157-dead-in-coal-mine-blast-in-turkey/ 
• I was born in 1(9)57.    A few months ago I had a revelation that I am 57 years old and I was born in 1957.    This is really trippy I thought and look how brilliant I am that I put this together.    Until I realized that this happens  to everyone.    Everyone who was born in 2007 will probably turn 7 this year.   Oooohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!    Jeez, I’m a freaking Einstein!    Put me on the Discovery Channel.

 

 

     I really didn’t want to write this but its so childish I just have to.   It’ll be therapeutic to throw it out and in the process get rid of it.  But if I stumbled on this blog and read this crap I’d think, “this guy’s an immature attention freak. If he has any friends, they’re probably superficial. He probably posts selfies of himself on facebook and goes back all day to see if anyone “likes” it. What a geek!!!!!!”  This is one reason why I have told no one about this blog not even my wonderful wife.   If I know my audience I probably would be altering what I write to make it acceptable.     I’m a people pleaser and this is definitely not pleasing. 

      The pain of separation was semi-acute last night.    There is this teacher I used to work with who I am friends with on Facebook.    She left our school 5 years ago.   She was an exceptional teacher who also shared my liberal beliefs and I connected with her.   Or so I thought.    The past few years I have posted mindfulness teachings that I thought she would resonate with once or twice to her page and made comments on things she has written but never got anything back.    And then last night she made a post about kids with a class picture of kids in her 4th grade class(including some I had the year before in the 3rd grade) who are now graduating from high school.   She tagged a few teachers (including one teacher who we both didn’t have a lot of respect for)but not me.    That was the last straw and I childishly unfriended her.   That’ll show her.    I’m sure she’ll really notice one less than her 400 something friend count that grows every day.    

 

        There’s a lot of things going on here.     But they’re all based on my false identity of self.  This self that I have unconsciously developed over the years to deal with emotional discomfort.     I thought about this as I usually do when I feel any emotional discomfort.    There is this ugly negative dark cloud feeling inside me that arises.      I have been doing awareness techniques for a few years now so I am usually if not in constant contact with my sensations, I’m at least in the neighborhood.    Negative emotions are usually not around for very long.   I sense them.   I  notice them and then feel them without conceptual thinking until they dissipate.    I don’t notice when they aren’t there anymore.   I just realize a when the subject pops up again that I’m no longer feeling bad and remember that a while back I was.    I have a cold sore analogy.    When you have a cold sore its all you can think about.     But when it goes away, you don’t realize it has gone.    The next day or days after you think, “oh, yeah, remember that burning painful cold sore I had a few days ago?   It’s gone.”    I’m not conscious of the immediate release of the painful emotions.   

 

         I sensed the bad emotional feeling and realized it was because of the slight of this “friend.”     I knew it was ridiculous because I knew her barely 5 years ago.    We never really hung out but saw each other in passing, shared a laugh or hanging around the staff room making copies or sat together a couple of times in staff meetings.     I don’t think she had the same reverence for me that I had for her.   I’m a loose cannon and sometimes say inappropriate things to get a laugh or to try to draw attention upon myself when I’m feeling inadequate.  She is was very dignified and careful about how she presented herself.    She probably was glad to not have to deal with me again.    We all know people we don’t wish ill will on but if we never saw them again it would be no big loss.    She probably accepted me as a friend on Facebook because its tacky not to.    So, I’m sensing  this emotional bad feeling and the usual “notice, be aware, let it ride out” is not working.    Probably because I can’t help but go back to conceptual thinking of all the things I just outlined.    I’m feeling less than.    

    I also have to admit that I am feeling this horrible pride that I am better than someone.   I feel that I am better than that other teacher who she feels is OK enough to socialize with.  I cannot accept that I am a worthless piece of crap and she is not.    Two things are wrong with that.   One is the obvious that all humans are equal.   I am not better than anyone else.    And the second less obvious is that I am psychologically dependent on others and have a need for everyone to like me. Probably comes from being the youngest by 5 years in my family.     I cannot accept my own self worth.   I need someone else to validate it.   Obviously my wonderful wife thinks I am far more than acceptable.   The others in  my family love me.    My students adore me.    But one person from 5 years ago that I barely knew isn’t overwhelmingly star struck with me and I have an emotional meltdown.    Aren’t there some people I have been acquainted with that I am at least neutral about?    Why does everyone have to think I am wonderful?     She probably doesn’t even  dislike me.   I am just forgettable  to  her.  

        It goes against this unconscious image I have of myself.    Every now and then I have this semi-conscious mental picture of myself.  Probably everybody does.   It’s that unconscious image that crops up when we are embarrassed, insecure but also flattered.    I’m not looking in the mirror but there’s this hazy mental image.    When things are right there’s this nice guy who’s funny, cool, and Kevin Baconish attractive.     That’s the guy I’ve been compared to.    This positive image I have is not what everyone else see.    For one thing the guy I unconsciously see is in his 20’s.   I am 57.  I never study myself in the mirror because frankly I’ve never liked what I saw.   I look at myself two times a day when I get out of the shower and have to comb my hair and brush  my teeth and at the end of the day when I’m also brushing my teeth.  But I’m focused on the hair and teeth.  And not even there 100% because I’m locked on something that happened yesterday or something that’s going to happen tomorrow.  Once a couple of months ago I happened to look at the whole package in the mirror.   Even  though I’m considered young looking for my age I really saw the face lines and the grey hair.    It was kind of shocking.     I’m not always cool and composed.    Sometimes I’m in my own  world and preoccupied.     The reality is that I look somewhere in between a 20 year old relaxed Kevin Bacon and that DUI photo of Nick Nolte with definite leanings more towards Nolte.    I have never  seen myself not with a nice look on myself because that’s my face when I’m looking in the mirror.   I never have the look  in the mirror when I’m annoyed or angry.    Maybe that’s not a wonderful sight to behold.   

 

          Anyway, this too shall pass.    The cold sore of this former friend will soon be nothing.   Still it bothers me that I have these feelings of separation.    I keep  thinking that one day I won’t have these feelings but maybe that’s wrong too.   They are just sensations.    And sensations are not wrong.  The suffering happens when thoughts give way to conceptual thoughts about the sensations.     They arise and pass away. 

 

Up Against the ’27 Yankees

158 Sundays to go.

• 158 home runs were hit by the 1927 New York Yankees Murderers’ Row, which included Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth.   This team is always the team mentioned in reference to scary offensive teams but this isn’t even close to the record of 264 hit by the 2000 Seattle Mariners.   But in the dead ball era of Major League Baseball, home runs weren’t as plentiful and the pitching today… blah-blah-blah, you don’t care about boring historical baseball crap and I’m surprised you got this far.  
• There were 158 episodes of the TV series The Dick Van Dyke Show that ran on CBS from 1961 to 1966.  I always loved when Rob and Laura Petrie would be having one of those house parties.    Then people, Buddy, Sally etc, would take turns entertaining and suddenly someone would ask Rob and Laura to do something and they would look around embarrassed and say well, Ok.     Then a huge Broadway number would ensue.    Like that happens in every household.   I never remember my parents breaking into an impromptu Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers number on a whim.

         After my several relapses in alcoholism, I had moments when I felt I had no control of mind or body.     I would have horrible hangovers and feelings of “incomparable demoralization.”    I would be lying in bed in great pain physically and emotionally and would be absolutely convinced that last night was the end and that today was Day 1 of my final recovery.   
          I would remain with this resolution until about mid afternoon  when  both the physical and mental pain began to subside.    Slowly that “stinking thinking” would creep in that the world was right again and maybe my alcoholism wasn’t as bad as I thought.   And, of course, I would find myself drinking again and the same lovely scene would be replayed the following morning.   
          The last few years I had discovered through my reading  of Zen and Tibetan Buddhism the doctrine of emptiness, that I am empty of a separate self.    This led me to Advaita and the idea that what I truly am is that which is aware of all that I see and feel.   The Buddha taught that I am awareness but it is through Advaita that this was driven home to me.      I would use this as a tool when I was trying to get sober.    I am not my thoughts.    What is it that wants to drink?    It is just a thought.    Watch it and it will begin to dissipate.    I am not my body.    What is it that is craving the feeling of being really drunk?  It is just a sensation.    Feel it and watch it and it will begin to dissipate.    
           This was really effective if there was no alcohol around.    I was (and AA says I still am) a sneak drinker so I would sneak alcohol  into the house.    Once the alcohol was available, I am not the body and mind became just words and it was on “like Pokémon.”   The real trick was to get “not the body and mind” to work when  I was out on my own and the thought to go buy alcohol would enter the thought process.   Unfortunately, I rarely employed it.    Sometimes I tried but it was like a little league pitcher facing the ’27 Yankees.     The method to stay sober would get lit up and be raked all over the park.     I would be driving and thinking, “Think about what you are doing?”, “What is it that is wanting to drink?”   I would see myself pulling into the parking lot of the liquor store.   I would be thinking no, dude,  stop but it would continue.   I would see myself walking in and walking up to the counter and thinking there is still time, you can stop.     Then  I would hear myself asking the guy behind the counter for several of the little airline bottles of vodka that I could hide in my socks and sneak into the house.     The thoughts would then stop as I was paying because at that point it was on “like Pokémon.”    Now  I would have the exciting buzz in my body that soon I would be drinking.  
            After finally working the steps of AA with a sponsor I have broken the conditioning of drinking.    I no longer want to drink.    When the idea of drinking hits it is noticed and replaced with the  idea that if I drank I would lose the beautiful feeling of being in awareness.
            I bring all this up because I still lose control of body and mind with my over eating.    I have been  successful the last 5 days of eating normally.    But like with alcohol, the key is not having any extra crap “hanging around” as my wonderful wife likes to say.     I get free coupons from my cell phone provider for Ben and Jerry’s so I usually have that around.    My wonderful wife discovered shelled pistachios and I could go into the cupboard and scoop up a fistful.    Luckily she has control and she decided to stop buying those because she was also eating them indiscriminately.    My wonderful wife is a “normy” which is an AA term for people who drink normally.    She likes a beer or glass of wine or two now and again but stops.     She also eats the same way.  She likes good food in  small portions.   I like crap food in  large Costco size portions.     Now all non essential food stuffs are out of the house.   
            Just like with my drinking, I have trouble outside of the house.   On Friday at recess, I was on the 3rd day of proper eating when the idea occurred to me at to stop in the break room at school to see if someone brought treats.    Sometimes some nice person will bring doughnuts or some homemade delicacy.     Just like driving around by myself during my alcoholism,  I was thinking, “What are you doing?” “You don’t need that crap?”  “Oh, I just want to see what’s in  there.”   That of course was bs because there would be no just looking if there was a box of doughnuts.    But I couldn’t stop.   I kept going.    I watched myself walk up the ramp to the break room.   I was telling myself to stop.   I got to the door.   No, dude,  don’t go in.    I opened the door and mercifully no one brought anything.  
           Still, I couldn’t stop and that is bothersome.    I need to start meditating again.   I need to sit down  and practice watching my thoughts.    Here’s where the excuses start.   “I can’t do it now.   I got Stanley Cup games every night.    I’ll get started during the finals when the games are every other day.   No,  wait.    The World Cup starts in 3 weeks.    I won’t want to start then.   After the World Cup.    Yeah, that’s it!    After the World Cup.     Then I’ll get a daily practice going.    Yeah, that’s it.   No interruptions then.   No good doing it now.   Yeah, after the World Cup.”

Don’t Do That Again!!!

159 Sundays to go.

• 159‘s roman numeral is CLIX which in correct spelling is a word with multiple meaning.   For example, “Halfway through reading this moronic blog, she clicks the X on the top right corner of her computer screen.”
• 159 people died in the ferry boat disaster off Seoul, Korea on April 19, 2014. http://news.yahoo.com/skorea-ferry-toll-hits-159-relatives-wait-013618151.html
• 159 teachers will be laid off in the Anchorage (Alaska) School District so that the richest 1%, who have more money than anyone could possibly spend in countless lifetimes, wouldn’t have to spend another nickel in taxes.   Meanwhile, middle class teacher families are affected and children get less of an  education with higher class sizes.    But the rich get to keep their yachts, nannies and 3rd vacation homes. http://www.thenation.com/blog/178094/anchorage-school-district-plans-cut-219-positions-including-159-teachers#

     Normally I’m a polite and considerate driver.  I don’t usually get mad at other people on the road.   When they maneuver in some way that forces me to maneuver to avoid them or delays me, I am initially annoyed.    But I come back  to earth semi-quickly because they really didn’t do it to me.   I was just there when they  did it.   No one was singling me out for suffering.    Stuff happens and I was there when it happened.      But sometimes I forget that and I am really the only one on the planet and “Why is this happening to me?    Why doest thou forsake me, lord?!?!?   And why are you making me speak in such an archaic way, lord?

      Last week was one of those times when I  lost my mind.    After dropping my wonderful wife off at her school, I decided to take a quick stop at the school district office print shop where an  order was waiting for me.   We were a little earlier because traffic was lighter and I could get it out of the way.   At our school we get a thousand copies a month on our school copy machine.   Sounds like a lot but it never seems to be enough.   Most teachers at our school run out at the end of the month.    We can either suck it up and alter our assessments or we can go to the district print shop and pay out of our pocket for what we need.   This is one of the many things most teachers pay for out of their own middle class salaries.

      Swennyway (So, anyway),  I picked up my order and was going back  to my school.    I went down the road and was behind an SUV who was stopped trying to make the same right I was at an intersection.     This is a busy street and if you don’t go when you get the chance sometimes a long line  of cars comes and its a while  before you get another chance.    The light was green and this SUV was not moving.     Ok, no one’s coming the other way.  I can wait a second before this guy wakes up and sees it is green.    But he’s still not moving…and a second or two later he’s still not moving.    I’m conservative with  my horn blowing and don’t like to use it unless necessary but its becoming necessary.    Finally,  I can’t take it any longer and I blow the horn.   He’s still not moving and I’m  now getting annoyed and I’m in full blown  “why is this happening to me?    Why is the world against me?   I have to get it work!   I don’t have time  for this!!!” mode.   Really, I was only waiting a few seconds but it seemed like forever.  I blow my horn again and I’m making wild motions with my arms and fists.    Just before the moron finally wakes up and starts to make his right  I see a crossing guard appear and he’s leading a child across the street in front of the SUV.     That’s why the guy wasn’t moving.    His 7 acre SUV was blocking my view of this slow moving guard and child and he was waiting patiently for them  to safely cross.    Patiently as he could with a moron behind him leaning on  his horn and gesturing like a madman to do something he couldn’t do.

       Of course I felt terrible and as karmic luck would have it he takes a right and I take a right and we end up parallel to each other going down the street.    He looks over at me with a justifiably angry look on his face.    His window was rolled down and he’s boring holes through me.    I made bowing motions and pointing to myself,  mouthing, “I’m sorry.   I’m wrong.”    Then I rolled my window down as we both came to a stop along side each other.     I said,  “I’m really sorry!    I didn’t see that guard and child.    I’m wrong!   I’m really sorry!”    I could tell he was still mad and had a right to be mad.    Imagine what that guy went through.   Trying to do the right thing and let the child and guard pass and not knowing what the psycho behind is going to do next.  I could have been some gun humper about to brandish his pride and joy.

          Finally before we both went off through the green light he says,  “Don’t do that again!!!”   Probably ruined the rest of his day.   I know it killed mine.    But he’s got a really good story to tell  his co-workers and friends.     Everyone  loves to tell others about how they were wronged and get lots of sympathy.   Even better no one can counter his story with how he should have done this or done that and the situation could’ve been avoided.   He was completely in the right.   He’s a saint.   Me,  I’m a jerk and what’s worse I think  I recognized him.    I think he’s a technology guy at the district except he was going a completely opposite direction away from the schools.    So,  maybe I will avoid another confrontation.    But I would like to see him again and apologize more completely.     Hopefully I have learned my lesson.    But probably not.    I’m human and when it really comes down to it, it’s all about me.   My wants.   My desires.  Me, me, me.    

12 Step Program for Cell Phone Users

160 Sundays to go

• Text messages are limited to 160 characters.   Here’s why: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/technology/2009/05/invented-text-messaging.html
• Scientists estimate there may be 160 billion alien planets.  http://www.space.com/14200-160-billion-alien-planets-milky-galaxy.html

        I don’t need a cell phone.    I know in today’s consumerism/technogeek society that sounds as blasphemous as I hate God but I’m not a cell phone guy.    My wonderful wife uses hers even less.   I can get away with charging our phones once a week on Sunday night.    The only time our phones are on is after school in case we need to get ahold of each other.   Half the time one of us forgets and never turns it on.   But it didn’t matter because neither one of us tried to call.
I have only sent one text in my life.   Being a language/grammar elitist, I hated how everything was in lower case and with no punctuation.  Even Shakespeare in text would come off  like Snoop Dog or Jethro in the Beverly Hillbillies for those geriatric enough to dig that reference.  I since have figured out there’s a button to change from letters to numbers and punctuation but again I’ve never needed to text anyone.    And the hackles on my neck rise when I see “lol, omg, jk,” and all those other robotic abbreviations that say,  “I refuse to say anything original or take the time to communicate my emotions.”

      I had always resisted even getting a cell phone.    I didn’t see the need of having access to a telephone 24/7.    If I need to call someone I can wait until I get home or get to work.   No one is ever interested in calling me  and  anyone who needs to get ahold of me can also wait until one of those two things happens.   I tell that to people and they say that they need it in case their kids call.  Why?  My parents never had cell phones or thought they needed to have the ability to communicate with my ass or any part of my siblings’ anatomy every second of the day.    They weren’t today’s helicopter parents who have a psychological need to hover over their children long past necessary.    Mine could trust we could probably get by for a second or two without their Supreme Guidance and Presence. 

           Finally, my wonderful wife talked me into it.    She thought it would be good to have in case our cars break down on the freeway and we need to call AAA.   Everyone else on the planet had already had cell phones for years.      We were such rookies.  We had our phones for a couple of months and sure enough our car blew a tire on the freeway.    But when I tried to call, the damn thing wouldn’t work.    Seems you have to charge them occasionally.   Other things run on batteries for months without having to change or charge the batteries.   I never even considered you would have to charge the phone so often especially when it was rarely being used

      I’m not at all curious about the things a phone can do.   I’m not interested in “playing with it.”    A colleague at work had to show me how to program it so all I had to do was hit a number and I could be dialing my wonderful wife’s phone.    She also had to show me how to work the camera.    To this day that picture of me with a bored “get on with it” look is still the only picture on either mine of my wife’s phone.   We aren’t attention freaks.   We don’t need to show people we were at this great place or this fun event.    My wonderful wife is very lovely to look at but I know I’ll see the real deal pretty soon. Actually,  I do want pictures of her but she hates having her picture taken and runs like a bat out of hell when a camera appears.   And the world definitely doesn’t need any pictures of me.

       Then people started getting smart phones.    I hate paying $70 a month for the cell but definitely don’t want to pay another $30 in data fees.    I don’t need 24/7 internet access.    I don’t need to be able to see the Giants’ score while I’m sitting on the can in the restroom at Jack in the Box.   My brother-in-law got one a few years ago and tried to tell everyone in his family (sister and 2 parents) how great they were.   He’s still the only one who has one.    He’s glued to the thing.    Every time I see him, rarely 5 minutes goes by without him whipping out his phone/umbilical cord.     I also see this as a problem with others.   In the good old days, if you were in a crowded parking lot you could get lucky and see someone walking out to their car.   You could just wait a minute because you knew they’d be backing out.    Now 10 minutes goes by because they’re texting, checking their messages or probably humping their phone.   There’s going to be a 12 Step program for cell phones like I have for my alcoholism or others for gambling or over eating.   Step 1- I admitted I was powerless over my lust for my cell phone and my life had become unmanageable. 

       Guess I’m just Ted Kacynski without the penchant for hurting people.    I resisted the 21st century with a fierce desire desparately wanting my psychological comfort of the late 1970’s.  2000 was 14 years ago but it  seems still space age.   One thing for sure, if you get behind me on the road you’ll know I’m not on my phone.   I’m driving like a lunatic but I’m paying attention. 

Ok, Let’s Try This

 

162 Sundays to go.

• There are 162 games in a regular Major League Baseball season.
• Poem #162 in an anthology of Ralph Waldo Emerson by Edmund Clarence Stedman is a poem called “Days.”   Very fitting for this week as it is telling me to not look to any other time than this.  http://www.bartleby.com/248/162.html  Emerson was probably going for something entirely different but that’s what it says to me.  Poetry was always over my head and as such was uninteresting.   Rule #1: Always dismiss what you don’t understand.

 

      Well, you’ll be shocked to  know that didn’t work.
      

Drank coffee not only in the morning but also in the afternoon.    I’m  off this week so why submit to unnecessary suffering?    Why deprive myself of gnashing and grinding my teeth and bouncing off the walls.    I also participated in some gluttonous eating.    My wonderful wife went to the dentist for a cleaning around lunchtime the same day I went to give my blood test after fasting for 12 hours.    So,  I  stopped off at the McDonalds for a double quarter pounder without telling her.      So as luck or karma would have it, when she gets back about an hour later she wants to go out to lunch.   Always before she wouldn’t want to because her teeth were sensitive and she would rather have something easy on the mouth.    I told her I already ate but it was “only” a sandwich and that we could still go out to lunch.    Like a normal person, she replied that it sounded like a lot to her.  I didn’t really want to eat more but I felt guilty to deprive her of what she wanted.
    

 I went in for my cholesterol test this week and got positive results.   The numbers were in line only because I upped my cholesterol medication to the prescribed dosage.  I had heard that many people have concerns that statins haven’t been tested long term for their safety so I wanted to take as little of it as possible.     I had gotten away with only 1 tab a day because I was eating normally and riding my elliptical bike vigorously for 20 minutes 3 days a week along with exercise before and after.  I have been doing this for about a year with satisfactory testing results.
   

  But ever since before Christmas I have been eating really horrible unhealthy stuff in huge quantities.   My students gave me a lot of chocolate and just in general you are faced with a lot of unhealthy holiday eating.   I could be turning it down or eating in moderation but I really crave overeating very unhealthy food.

     About 2 months ago I had a blood test for cholesterol and the results were high.    So, I went back to the prescribed 3 tab dosage and attempted to at least watch or I should say think about what I was eating.   I gave up chocolate for lent but I was still eating things like donuts and the breakfast that is provided for the students.    The breakfast is available for the teacher too but I already eat cereal in the morning before work.     Eating a bagel with cream cheese is totally unnecessary.

      This week I was going to take the car in to the tire center to get new tires.     Our health care provider is about a mile away so I thought I would drop the car off and walk over for the test.     But when I took the car in, I  was told the tires would have to be ordered so I just drove over to take the test that day.    It turned out to be a good move because I was told that the test required a 12 hour fast beforehand.    I would have walked all the way over there for nothing.   Also would’ve provided  passing motorists with a story of a lifetime about the guy they saw walking down the road kicking himself in the ass with every step.   

 

       I have a new plan to combat my inability to control my eating.      I’ve been reading the works of Sri Ramana Maharshi.     I read something spiritual before bedtime and this week, Ramana has gotten the nod.   I’ve read him before but it seems like every time I pick him up I get something new.     I must have about 300 eastern spiritual books and I get something new every time I take another look at one of them.      Probably has something to do with being in a different space than the last time I read it.    I read the words but didn’t get the zing.

        Ramana is all about looking at the “I” thought.    There is a thought that I am.    What is that thought?    He teaches that if I just stay with the I or Self(Capital S Self not the selfish small s separate self) liberation will be attained.       I’ve already been doing that as often as it occurs to me for the past year or so.     There is a feeling of being me.    What is that thought?   And what is it that sees that?   I do that when I turn off the lights and go to sleep.   It is the last conscious thought I have.    I have noticed that I am much more at peace.    I also never have alcoholic thoughts anymore.    If I think about drinking, it goes away quickly because I would rather be in  awareness of being than drunk.   If I was drunk, I would not be in awareness.

        What I would like to do is take Ramana to work and do the I thought at recess and during lunch.    Not much  time for recess especially when I am in the classroom with a student who must stay in  for not doing homework or misbehaving.      I only have a 15 minute recess and the last half I have yard duty.    I could do the I thought at recess when I’m standing out on the yard.   It would be a good practice at being aware of the I thought while watching children or the occasional interaction with a student or having a quick conversation with another teacher.     At lunchtime, I usually go on the internet while I eat my lunch.    Instead I could be eating mindfully and watching the  I thought.     I’ve thought about doing it in the past, but when push comes to shove I would rather escape into mindlessness thinking I need to relax.     But meditation is a great stress reducer and if I go into with that positive intention, I won’t feel as though I’m being deprived.

         Unfortunately I tend to forget to do things  like not eat stuff that is bad for me and not drink coffee.   I’m doing it before it hits me that I am doing it.    I’m going to write a reminder note on a card and set it in  my water glass that I  drink from at recess.     Then the note will go in my pocket and once inside after recess I will transfer the note to my lunch.   That way I will at least have a fighting chance to follow through.   We shall see what we shall see.

My Hair’s Not on Fire….Yet

163 Sundays to go.

• Apparently, 163 is a number that makes mathematicians want to touch themselves. http://www.neverendingbooks.org/index.php/the-modular-miracle-of-163.html
•  Cy Young hit 163 opposing batters in his career.   Cy Young is a name that makes baseball historians want to touch themselves.  The beginning of this blog is making you want to touch the esc button.

……..and I failed miserably.    Popped up with the bases loaded.   Dropped the ball  in  the end zone.   Hit the post with an empty net.

Last week I wrote a blog about my wimpy battle with drinking too much coffee and being unable to stop my unhealthy eating habits.   I vowed to confront both of those issues and come out victorious.    I did neither.  Monday, the very first day,  I again got coffee in the morning and ate a second breakfast after getting to work.  I forgot and never considered “Just for today, I’m not going to…” and “To Thine Own Self Be True” also never occurred to me.

The story of my life.    In my history of alcoholism or shocking displays of lack of responsibility,  I would vow to stop the insanity.    Granted, the recent failures I’ve been having are pretty minor compared to my alcoholism.     But the failure to follow through is exactly the same as when I would fail to stop drinking.    Last Sunday I was absolutely rock solid intent on following through on my intentions.  Go back and read it if you want a good laugh.  It’s right underneath this one.  After relapsing and drinking in the past, I would wake up hangover vowing never again.    Firmly convinced this time it was finally over, I would go to work.  I would feel sorta ok and then get hit with a intense wave of hang over pain.  This fun little roller coaster would go on in 15 minute cycles most of the day.  But in the last hour or so when the pain of the  hangover had begun to subside I stopped thinking about the psychological suffering.   Then the work day would be over, I had made it and suddenly everything wasn’t quite so bad anymore.   I would talk myself into having one or two but telling myself this time don’t go so crazy.     But I would go crazy because I wouldn’t stop and the whole nightmare would be upon me again the next morning.

This Monday, a day after writing last week, I forgot about NO COFFEE! and I told myself, I’ll just drink a cup in the morning this week, and nothing afterwards.     And I  didn’t even try to stop myself once the breakfast arrived.   Not even a hesitation.  I grabbed the bagel and I was wiping cream cheese off the corner of my lips before I even realized  what I was doing.     And of course, in the morning after a stressful day and feeling a lack  of energy,  I would “need” a little Folgers pick-me-up.

I realize and have known forever that I don’t do anything unless my hair is on  fire.    In college I got very mediocre grades because I didn’t study.   I went to class but I didn’t keep up with the written material.    Then a couple of days before the midterm  or the final  I was pulling all nighters.   I got after it, took  care of business and came  through to pass the class.   At the beginning of the semester I would tell myself this time you are going to keep up with the reading.    But I don’t remember one time,  not one time, did I even keep up with the reading for the first few chapters.    I thought about it but always concluded well, I’m OK, now.   I’ll read it this weekend.    But the weekend would come and who wants to study when there’s drinking to be done or they’re hungover?    Certainly not me and I never did.  When you are young, you are bulletproof and everything is surmountable.    When I went back to school when I was 37 to get my  teaching credential, I did keep up with the reading.  I got straight A’s.   I was more mature and finally knew this was what I wanted to do.

When I stopped drinking, for hopefully the last time 2 years and a few months ago, my hair was on fire.     I woke up again hungover and this time I was mad.   I was really, really,  really mad.   Always before I would be feeling sorry for myself and pitiful.    This time I was angry and that crap was going to stop.   “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!”   I remember saying that over and over.  This was something I wanted to do more than anything.   And I did.   I had a renewed purpose.   I went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days.   I got a sponsor.   I did the steps.    When I went back  to school I had a renewed purpose.   I was tired of dead end office jobs.   I wanted an actual career.

So who knows what turned the tide on my recovery.   It was the 7,394th time  I was hung over.  There wasn’t a DUI or a wrecked vehicle.    You’d think the countless other times would have been enough.   I don’t know.     I guess I’m going to have to get angry or have a life changing health issue like a heart attack to turn the tables.  But I’m not really,  really, really mad.   I can’t manufacture the anger.

Today, Easter Sunday is a lost cause.  I’m up against Cy Young on the mound and Jonathan Quick in goal.     We go to my wonderful wife’s parents for Easter Sunday.    There will be lots of unhealthy snacking and coffee drinking in the afternoon.   I’ve already got the excuse that I don’t want to have to explain why I’m not pounding the chips and desserts or the coffee afterwards.   Hey, I don’t want to hurt their feelings.    What kind of a son-in-law would I be?     An overweight pig, amped up and bouncing off the walls.

To Thine Own Self Be True

164 Sundays to go.

• In base 10, 164 is the smallest number that can be expressed as a concatenation of two squares in two different ways: as 1 + 64 and 16 + 4.  Not sure but I’m guessing a “concatenation” is any boring and obnoxious uttering of a fact that no one cares about except the utterer.   Note to self: New name for this blog “Smirthwaite’s Concatenations.”
• According to a CNBC report on new tax rules for 2014, certain estates could  wind up with a tax rate of 164 percent on portions of their estates, according to one tax expert.   The corporate media and the Republicans enjoy scaring us about what might happen to the economy if we raise taxes on the rich.   All that’s going to happen is the uber rich will still be uber rich and now maybe someone else might have money for necessary things they take for granted like food and shelter.
• Oakland Raider greats, Daryl Lamonica and Jim Plunkett both threw the same total of 164 touchdowns in their careers.

 

    I’ve written about my alcoholism in previous blogs but I’ve got a couple of other less threatening addictions that I do not have under control.    I occasionally eat unhealthily, drink too much coffee and make up adverbs like “unhealthily” because I’m not sure of the word I really want.   I also impulse buy unnecessary things on ebay.   But its the first two activities that I have lost control of and my life though not “unmanageable,” is still causing suffering.  That adverb thing is just lack of vocabulary.    When I was younger, I could get away with eating whatever I wanted.    In college I used to eat 3 fattening meals, eat snacks in between and after and nothing ever happened.  One legendary Smirthwaite gluttony story my wonderful wife likes to tell goes like this:  We met while living in the same dormitory in college.   One Friday we had planned to go out to dinner.   Even though we were going out to dinner, I went to the dining commons to eat their buffet style all-you-can-eat dinner.   Then  I went out to the “real” dinner.   Didn’t think anything of it.   I was also drinking large quantities of beer on a regular basis.  But,   I was rail thin and couldn’t gain an ounce even if I  wanted to.    And I did want to.    I had the upper body of a 12 year old and had low self esteem because I felt I wasn’t macho enough

        Now I eat cereal in the morning, basically fruit and nuts for lunch  and a regular dinner.    I have high cholesterol and a roll of fat around my midsection.    Still rail thin everywhere else except that damn stomach.   I look like a python that swallowed a goat.    You wouldn’t think from that menu it would be possible.    But I sneak eat.   At our school we have breakfast in the classroom.    We get a pan full of breakfast items for the students and one for the teacher.   Mostly its kid’s stuff like cereal, graham crackers, pancakes, waffles, milk and juice but sometimes its pretty good like  bean and cheese burrito, bagel and cream cheese, and a sausage bagel with cheese but nothing I should be eating.  3 or 4 days a week I will eat the breakfast.    So that kills the sensible cereal I ate about 45 minutes earlier.     On Thursday, I will run out on my 40 minute lunch break to get a double cheeseburger at Jack in the Box.  I don’t taste and enjoy either the breakfast or the lunch because I am inhaling it while I run around like a chicken  with my head cut off like most teachers during the school day.    My wonderful wife and I also go out to eat 2 or 3 times a week and I’m not selecting low calorie items like she  is.     I’ll knock  off my artery clogging item and then eat the rest of hers while we’re waiting for the check.

 

       Like my battle with alcoholism I want to stop this way of eating.  I don’t like the  lack of control.    No one really has control of anything.   But to a certain extent humans have the ability to not do things.   When we’re at the bank, we can control ourselves to not go behind the counter and help ourselves to handfuls of cash.     But when it comes time to do so, I either forget and I’m digesting it before  I know  what hit me or I give up weakly.    I wanted to not drink and would tell myself  not to buy alcohol but I would find myself like a spectator watching the show as I went into the liquor store.   This would be followed by an uneasy edginess as I drank.    This morning before my AA meeting I was steeling myself not to have a doughnut but at the end of the meeting there were still 5 delicious ones left beckoning and I just walked over, grabbed one and commenced to scarf one of them bad boys.   Just did not take care of  business.

 

       I also have been trying to stop drinking coffee.    For a while I was drinking tea in the morning and when I got home.    I might have a cup of coffee after dinner if we went out and that was it.   It was hard at first.   I was kinda dingy and hazy but then once the school day got going I snapped too because 21 kids coming in your classroom will wake you up real quick.    Like stopping drinking after a few days it got easier once I broke the conditioning.    But like beginning to drink “normally” again after stopping, it quickly goes back to  where you were before.    A couple of days a week lately I’m getting a cup of coffee at the 7-11 after dropping my wonderful wife at her school.    Now I’m back to every day and the occasional cup in the evening.

 

         This doesn’t sound that bad but it is causing suffering.    I was not a skid row drunk drinker but I drank enough that it caused difficulties in my marriage.   I don’t just sip coffee.   I gulp it.    Afterwards,  I get charged up and can sometimes have a reaction that I wouldn’t normally have if I had no  caffeine.    Yesterday, after going out to lunch and having a cup and half of coffee we went to Costco.  I also had a mild attack of dysentery from the last few days of poor eating.    My wonderful wife was discussing something she was thinking about buying and I wasn’t really thrilled with  it.  I was getting impatient and she said I wasn’t being very nice.   I knew I wasn’t but I  just couldn’t change my attitude.   I got defensive and got really mad.  I snapped, “I’m going to the bathroom” and stormed off.    I know it was because of the coffee adrenaline.    I apologized later but it never should have happened.

 

      I was a sneak  drinker during the later stages of my alcoholism because my wonderful and compassionate wife and I agreed that it was for the best.  Me, less so, but I wasn’t going to be allowed to live there if I didn’t.    I’m also doing all this excess unhealthy eating and coffee drinking without telling her.   I have the occasional ice cream, cake, chips in moderation along with the coffee after we eat or in the evening.   But I don’t tell her after I drop her off that I’m going to get coffee or that I’m diving headfirst into that classroom  bag of breakfast or the lunchtime commando runs.   She wouldn’t mind if I did but I know its wrong so I  don’t say anything.   If no  one knows, it didn’t happen.   A slogan in AA from the bible (I think its from the bible) says “To Thine Own Self Be True.”   Its also on the back of my lovely gold embossed 2 year chip my sponsor gave me that I look at every night before going to bed.

 

       When I drank, the drunk was not worth the hangover, guilt or loss of trust from my wonderful wife.   I’m also not getting a huge benefit  from the unhealthy eating or the drinking of the coffee but when its available I just want it and that’s it.    I’m entitled and I should be able to have something that everyone else has.    But I don’t need it and I would be better off if I didn’t have it. What is this that is deciding it needs something?   Advaita and Buddhism describes it as ego.  The definition of ego here is different than the western concept of ego which is conceit.    Here, ego is that aspect of self that has been developed to protect the self.

       Beginning today, I will use the teachings of Alcoholics Annonymous to help me get control of these two issues.    One teaching goes like this:  Just for today I will not drink.   I may drink  tomorrow,  next week or in the future but just for today I will  not drink.  “Any idiot can stop drinking for 24 hours.”  It reminds me of the sign in the bar that says “Free drinks tomorrow.”   But when you show up the next day for your free alcohol, the bartender says, “that’s not until tomorrow.”   Just for today I will only eat my three sensible meals  and I  will only drink tea.   Maybe tomorrow I  might binge eat or guzzle coffee until I’m bouncing off the walls.    But today I will consume sensibly.   I will do that because its the right thing.   To Thine Own Self Be True.

       But Sunday is easy.   I’m around my wife all the day.    The  hard part and where the rubber meets the road is Monday when there’s no one around but thine own self.