To Thine Own Self Be True

164 Sundays to go.

• In base 10, 164 is the smallest number that can be expressed as a concatenation of two squares in two different ways: as 1 + 64 and 16 + 4.  Not sure but I’m guessing a “concatenation” is any boring and obnoxious uttering of a fact that no one cares about except the utterer.   Note to self: New name for this blog “Smirthwaite’s Concatenations.”
• According to a CNBC report on new tax rules for 2014, certain estates could  wind up with a tax rate of 164 percent on portions of their estates, according to one tax expert.   The corporate media and the Republicans enjoy scaring us about what might happen to the economy if we raise taxes on the rich.   All that’s going to happen is the uber rich will still be uber rich and now maybe someone else might have money for necessary things they take for granted like food and shelter.
• Oakland Raider greats, Daryl Lamonica and Jim Plunkett both threw the same total of 164 touchdowns in their careers.

 

    I’ve written about my alcoholism in previous blogs but I’ve got a couple of other less threatening addictions that I do not have under control.    I occasionally eat unhealthily, drink too much coffee and make up adverbs like “unhealthily” because I’m not sure of the word I really want.   I also impulse buy unnecessary things on ebay.   But its the first two activities that I have lost control of and my life though not “unmanageable,” is still causing suffering.  That adverb thing is just lack of vocabulary.    When I was younger, I could get away with eating whatever I wanted.    In college I used to eat 3 fattening meals, eat snacks in between and after and nothing ever happened.  One legendary Smirthwaite gluttony story my wonderful wife likes to tell goes like this:  We met while living in the same dormitory in college.   One Friday we had planned to go out to dinner.   Even though we were going out to dinner, I went to the dining commons to eat their buffet style all-you-can-eat dinner.   Then  I went out to the “real” dinner.   Didn’t think anything of it.   I was also drinking large quantities of beer on a regular basis.  But,   I was rail thin and couldn’t gain an ounce even if I  wanted to.    And I did want to.    I had the upper body of a 12 year old and had low self esteem because I felt I wasn’t macho enough

        Now I eat cereal in the morning, basically fruit and nuts for lunch  and a regular dinner.    I have high cholesterol and a roll of fat around my midsection.    Still rail thin everywhere else except that damn stomach.   I look like a python that swallowed a goat.    You wouldn’t think from that menu it would be possible.    But I sneak eat.   At our school we have breakfast in the classroom.    We get a pan full of breakfast items for the students and one for the teacher.   Mostly its kid’s stuff like cereal, graham crackers, pancakes, waffles, milk and juice but sometimes its pretty good like  bean and cheese burrito, bagel and cream cheese, and a sausage bagel with cheese but nothing I should be eating.  3 or 4 days a week I will eat the breakfast.    So that kills the sensible cereal I ate about 45 minutes earlier.     On Thursday, I will run out on my 40 minute lunch break to get a double cheeseburger at Jack in the Box.  I don’t taste and enjoy either the breakfast or the lunch because I am inhaling it while I run around like a chicken  with my head cut off like most teachers during the school day.    My wonderful wife and I also go out to eat 2 or 3 times a week and I’m not selecting low calorie items like she  is.     I’ll knock  off my artery clogging item and then eat the rest of hers while we’re waiting for the check.

 

       Like my battle with alcoholism I want to stop this way of eating.  I don’t like the  lack of control.    No one really has control of anything.   But to a certain extent humans have the ability to not do things.   When we’re at the bank, we can control ourselves to not go behind the counter and help ourselves to handfuls of cash.     But when it comes time to do so, I either forget and I’m digesting it before  I know  what hit me or I give up weakly.    I wanted to not drink and would tell myself  not to buy alcohol but I would find myself like a spectator watching the show as I went into the liquor store.   This would be followed by an uneasy edginess as I drank.    This morning before my AA meeting I was steeling myself not to have a doughnut but at the end of the meeting there were still 5 delicious ones left beckoning and I just walked over, grabbed one and commenced to scarf one of them bad boys.   Just did not take care of  business.

 

       I also have been trying to stop drinking coffee.    For a while I was drinking tea in the morning and when I got home.    I might have a cup of coffee after dinner if we went out and that was it.   It was hard at first.   I was kinda dingy and hazy but then once the school day got going I snapped too because 21 kids coming in your classroom will wake you up real quick.    Like stopping drinking after a few days it got easier once I broke the conditioning.    But like beginning to drink “normally” again after stopping, it quickly goes back to  where you were before.    A couple of days a week lately I’m getting a cup of coffee at the 7-11 after dropping my wonderful wife at her school.    Now I’m back to every day and the occasional cup in the evening.

 

         This doesn’t sound that bad but it is causing suffering.    I was not a skid row drunk drinker but I drank enough that it caused difficulties in my marriage.   I don’t just sip coffee.   I gulp it.    Afterwards,  I get charged up and can sometimes have a reaction that I wouldn’t normally have if I had no  caffeine.    Yesterday, after going out to lunch and having a cup and half of coffee we went to Costco.  I also had a mild attack of dysentery from the last few days of poor eating.    My wonderful wife was discussing something she was thinking about buying and I wasn’t really thrilled with  it.  I was getting impatient and she said I wasn’t being very nice.   I knew I wasn’t but I  just couldn’t change my attitude.   I got defensive and got really mad.  I snapped, “I’m going to the bathroom” and stormed off.    I know it was because of the coffee adrenaline.    I apologized later but it never should have happened.

 

      I was a sneak  drinker during the later stages of my alcoholism because my wonderful and compassionate wife and I agreed that it was for the best.  Me, less so, but I wasn’t going to be allowed to live there if I didn’t.    I’m also doing all this excess unhealthy eating and coffee drinking without telling her.   I have the occasional ice cream, cake, chips in moderation along with the coffee after we eat or in the evening.   But I don’t tell her after I drop her off that I’m going to get coffee or that I’m diving headfirst into that classroom  bag of breakfast or the lunchtime commando runs.   She wouldn’t mind if I did but I know its wrong so I  don’t say anything.   If no  one knows, it didn’t happen.   A slogan in AA from the bible (I think its from the bible) says “To Thine Own Self Be True.”   Its also on the back of my lovely gold embossed 2 year chip my sponsor gave me that I look at every night before going to bed.

 

       When I drank, the drunk was not worth the hangover, guilt or loss of trust from my wonderful wife.   I’m also not getting a huge benefit  from the unhealthy eating or the drinking of the coffee but when its available I just want it and that’s it.    I’m entitled and I should be able to have something that everyone else has.    But I don’t need it and I would be better off if I didn’t have it. What is this that is deciding it needs something?   Advaita and Buddhism describes it as ego.  The definition of ego here is different than the western concept of ego which is conceit.    Here, ego is that aspect of self that has been developed to protect the self.

       Beginning today, I will use the teachings of Alcoholics Annonymous to help me get control of these two issues.    One teaching goes like this:  Just for today I will not drink.   I may drink  tomorrow,  next week or in the future but just for today I will  not drink.  “Any idiot can stop drinking for 24 hours.”  It reminds me of the sign in the bar that says “Free drinks tomorrow.”   But when you show up the next day for your free alcohol, the bartender says, “that’s not until tomorrow.”   Just for today I will only eat my three sensible meals  and I  will only drink tea.   Maybe tomorrow I  might binge eat or guzzle coffee until I’m bouncing off the walls.    But today I will consume sensibly.   I will do that because its the right thing.   To Thine Own Self Be True.

       But Sunday is easy.   I’m around my wife all the day.    The  hard part and where the rubber meets the road is Monday when there’s no one around but thine own self.