My Hair’s Not on Fire….Yet

163 Sundays to go.

Apparently, 163 is a number that makes mathematicians want to touch themselves. http://www.neverendingbooks.org/index.php/the-modular-miracle-of-163.html
Cy Young hit 163 opposing batters in his career. Cy Young is a name that makes baseball historians want to touch themselves. The beginning of this blog is making you want to touch the esc button.

……..and I failed miserably. Popped up with the bases loaded. Dropped the ball in the end zone. Hit the post with an empty net.

Last week I wrote a blog about my wimpy battle with drinking too much coffee and being unable to stop my unhealthy eating habits. I vowed to confront both of those issues and come out victorious. I did neither. Monday, the very first day, I again got coffee in the morning and ate a second breakfast after getting to work. I forgot and never considered “Just for today, I’m not going to…” and “To Thine Own Self Be True” also never occurred to me.

The story of my life. In my history of alcoholism or shocking displays of lack of responsibility, I would vow to stop the insanity. Granted, the recent failures I’ve been having are pretty minor compared to my alcoholism. But the failure to follow through is exactly the same as when I would fail to stop drinking. Last Sunday I was absolutely rock solid intent on following through on my intentions. Go back and read it if you want a good laugh. It’s right underneath this one. After relapsing and drinking in the past, I would wake up hangover vowing never again. Firmly convinced this time it was finally over, I would go to work. I would feel sorta ok and then get hit with a intense wave of hang over pain. This fun little roller coaster would go on in 15 minute cycles most of the day. But in the last hour or so when the pain of the hangover had begun to subside I stopped thinking about the psychological suffering. Then the work day would be over, I had made it and suddenly everything wasn’t quite so bad anymore. I would talk myself into having one or two but telling myself this time don’t go so crazy. But I would go crazy because I wouldn’t stop and the whole nightmare would be upon me again the next morning.

This Monday, a day after writing last week, I forgot about NO COFFEE! and I told myself, I’ll just drink a cup in the morning this week, and nothing afterwards. And I didn’t even try to stop myself once the breakfast arrived. Not even a hesitation. I grabbed the bagel and I was wiping cream cheese off the corner of my lips before I even realized what I was doing. And of course, in the morning after a stressful day and feeling a lack of energy, I would “need” a little Folgers pick-me-up.

I realize and have known forever that I don’t do anything unless my hair is on fire. In college I got very mediocre grades because I didn’t study. I went to class but I didn’t keep up with the written material. Then a couple of days before the midterm or the final I was pulling all nighters. I got after it, took care of business and came through to pass the class. At the beginning of the semester I would tell myself this time you are going to keep up with the reading. But I don’t remember one time, not one time, did I even keep up with the reading for the first few chapters. I thought about it but always concluded well, I’m OK, now. I’ll read it this weekend. But the weekend would come and who wants to study when there’s drinking to be done or they’re hungover? Certainly not me and I never did. When you are young, you are bulletproof and everything is surmountable. When I went back to school when I was 37 to get my teaching credential, I did keep up with the reading. I got straight A’s. I was more mature and finally knew this was what I wanted to do.

When I stopped drinking, for hopefully the last time 2 years and a few months ago, my hair was on fire. I woke up again hungover and this time I was mad. I was really, really, really mad. Always before I would be feeling sorry for myself and pitiful. This time I was angry and that crap was going to stop. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!” I remember saying that over and over. This was something I wanted to do more than anything. And I did. I had a renewed purpose. I went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days. I got a sponsor. I did the steps. When I went back to school I had a renewed purpose. I was tired of dead end office jobs. I wanted an actual career.

So who knows what turned the tide on my recovery. It was the 7,394th time I was hung over. There wasn’t a DUI or a wrecked vehicle. You’d think the countless other times would have been enough. I don’t know. I guess I’m going to have to get angry or have a life changing health issue like a heart attack to turn the tables. But I’m not really, really, really mad. I can’t manufacture the anger.

Today, Easter Sunday is a lost cause. I’m up against Cy Young on the mound and Jonathan Quick in goal. We go to my wonderful wife’s parents for Easter Sunday. There will be lots of unhealthy snacking and coffee drinking in the afternoon. I’ve already got the excuse that I don’t want to have to explain why I’m not pounding the chips and desserts or the coffee afterwards. Hey, I don’t want to hurt their feelings. What kind of a son-in-law would I be? An overweight pig, amped up and bouncing off the walls.

To Thine Own Self Be True

164 Sundays to go.

In base 10, 164 is the smallest number that can be expressed as a concatenation of two squares in two different ways: as 1 + 64 and 16 + 4. Not sure but I’m guessing a “concatenation” is any boring and obnoxious uttering of a fact that no one cares about except the utterer. Note to self: New name for this blog “Smirthwaite’s Concatenations.”
According to a CNBC report on new tax rules for 2014, certain estates could wind up with a tax rate of 164 percent on portions of their estates, according to one tax expert. The corporate media and the Republicans enjoy scaring us about what might happen to the economy if we raise taxes on the rich. All that’s going to happen is the uber rich will still be uber rich and now maybe someone else might have money for necessary things they take for granted like food and shelter.
Oakland Raider greats, Daryl Lamonica and Jim Plunkett both threw the same total of 164 touchdowns in their careers.

I’ve written about my alcoholism in previous blogs but I’ve got a couple of other less threatening addictions that I do not have under control. I occasionally eat unhealthily, drink too much coffee and make up adverbs like “unhealthily” because I’m not sure of the word I really want. I also impulse buy unnecessary things on ebay. But its the first two activities that I have lost control of and my life though not “unmanageable,” is still causing suffering. That adverb thing is just lack of vocabulary. When I was younger, I could get away with eating whatever I wanted. In college I used to eat 3 fattening meals, eat snacks in between and after and nothing ever happened. One legendary Smirthwaite gluttony story my wonderful wife likes to tell goes like this: We met while living in the same dormitory in college. One Friday we had planned to go out to dinner. Even though we were going out to dinner, I went to the dining commons to eat their buffet style all-you-can-eat dinner. Then I went out to the “real” dinner. Didn’t think anything of it. I was also drinking large quantities of beer on a regular basis. But, I was rail thin and couldn’t gain an ounce even if I wanted to. And I did want to. I had the upper body of a 12 year old and had low self esteem because I felt I wasn’t macho enough

Now I eat cereal in the morning, basically fruit and nuts for lunch and a regular dinner. I have high cholesterol and a roll of fat around my midsection. Still rail thin everywhere else except that damn stomach. I look like a python that swallowed a goat. You wouldn’t think from that menu it would be possible. But I sneak eat. At our school we have breakfast in the classroom. We get a pan full of breakfast items for the students and one for the teacher. Mostly its kid’s stuff like cereal, graham crackers, pancakes, waffles, milk and juice but sometimes its pretty good like bean and cheese burrito, bagel and cream cheese, and a sausage bagel with cheese but nothing I should be eating. 3 or 4 days a week I will eat the breakfast. So that kills the sensible cereal I ate about 45 minutes earlier. On Thursday, I will run out on my 40 minute lunch break to get a double cheeseburger at Jack in the Box. I don’t taste and enjoy either the breakfast or the lunch because I am inhaling it while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off like most teachers during the school day. My wonderful wife and I also go out to eat 2 or 3 times a week and I’m not selecting low calorie items like she is. I’ll knock off my artery clogging item and then eat the rest of hers while we’re waiting for the check.

Like my battle with alcoholism I want to stop this way of eating. I don’t like the lack of control. No one really has control of anything. But to a certain extent humans have the ability to not do things. When we’re at the bank, we can control ourselves to not go behind the counter and help ourselves to handfuls of cash. But when it comes time to do so, I either forget and I’m digesting it before I know what hit me or I give up weakly. I wanted to not drink and would tell myself not to buy alcohol but I would find myself like a spectator watching the show as I went into the liquor store. This would be followed by an uneasy edginess as I drank. This morning before my AA meeting I was steeling myself not to have a doughnut but at the end of the meeting there were still 5 delicious ones left beckoning and I just walked over, grabbed one and commenced to scarf one of them bad boys. Just did not take care of business.

I also have been trying to stop drinking coffee. For a while I was drinking tea in the morning and when I got home. I might have a cup of coffee after dinner if we went out and that was it. It was hard at first. I was kinda dingy and hazy but then once the school day got going I snapped too because 21 kids coming in your classroom will wake you up real quick. Like stopping drinking after a few days it got easier once I broke the conditioning. But like beginning to drink “normally” again after stopping, it quickly goes back to where you were before. A couple of days a week lately I’m getting a cup of coffee at the 7-11 after dropping my wonderful wife at her school. Now I’m back to every day and the occasional cup in the evening.

This doesn’t sound that bad but it is causing suffering. I was not a skid row drunk drinker but I drank enough that it caused difficulties in my marriage. I don’t just sip coffee. I gulp it. Afterwards, I get charged up and can sometimes have a reaction that I wouldn’t normally have if I had no caffeine. Yesterday, after going out to lunch and having a cup and half of coffee we went to Costco. I also had a mild attack of dysentery from the last few days of poor eating. My wonderful wife was discussing something she was thinking about buying and I wasn’t really thrilled with it. I was getting impatient and she said I wasn’t being very nice. I knew I wasn’t but I just couldn’t change my attitude. I got defensive and got really mad. I snapped, “I’m going to the bathroom” and stormed off. I know it was because of the coffee adrenaline. I apologized later but it never should have happened.

I was a sneak drinker during the later stages of my alcoholism because my wonderful and compassionate wife and I agreed that it was for the best. Me, less so, but I wasn’t going to be allowed to live there if I didn’t. I’m also doing all this excess unhealthy eating and coffee drinking without telling her. I have the occasional ice cream, cake, chips in moderation along with the coffee after we eat or in the evening. But I don’t tell her after I drop her off that I’m going to get coffee or that I’m diving headfirst into that classroom bag of breakfast or the lunchtime commando runs. She wouldn’t mind if I did but I know its wrong so I don’t say anything. If no one knows, it didn’t happen. A slogan in AA from the bible (I think its from the bible) says “To Thine Own Self Be True.” Its also on the back of my lovely gold embossed 2 year chip my sponsor gave me that I look at every night before going to bed.

When I drank, the drunk was not worth the hangover, guilt or loss of trust from my wonderful wife. I’m also not getting a huge benefit from the unhealthy eating or the drinking of the coffee but when its available I just want it and that’s it. I’m entitled and I should be able to have something that everyone else has. But I don’t need it and I would be better off if I didn’t have it. What is this that is deciding it needs something? Advaita and Buddhism describes it as ego. The definition of ego here is different than the western concept of ego which is conceit. Here, ego is that aspect of self that has been developed to protect the self.

Beginning today, I will use the teachings of Alcoholics Annonymous to help me get control of these two issues. One teaching goes like this: Just for today I will not drink. I may drink tomorrow, next week or in the future but just for today I will not drink. “Any idiot can stop drinking for 24 hours.” It reminds me of the sign in the bar that says “Free drinks tomorrow.” But when you show up the next day for your free alcohol, the bartender says, “that’s not until tomorrow.” Just for today I will only eat my three sensible meals and I will only drink tea. Maybe tomorrow I might binge eat or guzzle coffee until I’m bouncing off the walls. But today I will consume sensibly. I will do that because its the right thing. To Thine Own Self Be True.

But Sunday is easy. I’m around my wife all the day. The hard part and where the rubber meets the road is Monday when there’s no one around but thine own self.

Letterman is Retiring

165 Sundays to go.

Sandy Koufax had 165 wins in his short but brilliant career.
Hearst Castle is a 165-room estate of newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst, in San Simeon, Calif.

David Letterman announced this week that he will be retiring after 30 something years of being a talk show host. I know it sounds childish but I have been down ever since. Letterman is probably the only TV show I watch regularly and I have been watching him all those 30 something years. If it weren’t for hockey or that my wonderful wife still uses it, I’d probably consider get rid of the TV.

I had feared this was going to happen and knew it would have to happen eventually. But when he announced it on his show I was surprised at how much it saddened me. It feels like a friend or relative is dying and there is no prognosis of recovery. The passing is inevitable and there’s a hole in my heart. On the face of it, its absurd. I’ve never even met the dude. He doesn’t know who I am. I basically have an emotional attachment with a one dimensional image on the TV. Maybe that’s what is subconsciously bothering me. There’s some really horrible things going on in this world. The rich and the corporations through the ideological right wing are destroying this country and this is what is affecting my soul? The loss of a character on a TV screen? It’s like being in love with a blow up doll. Ok, now I’m really depressed.

I have a feeling he would have retired a few years ago but unlike Jerry Seinfeld he feels a responsibility to his staff. He has always been known to be generous to his staff and when the writers struck a few years ago, he just shut down the show until it was over. And you know he paid them out of his own deep pockets while they were out. I love Seinfeld, but when he quit his show, he threw everyone under the bus. None of the other actors who made the show wanted to quit but he was done and that’s all that mattered. And they were the ones that made the show. He was the straight man to all of them while they had the killer lines. Again, like I know either one of them. Like I’m a fly on the wall at 30 Rock or sitting in on writer’s meetings. I’m just a boob lying flat on my back with a remote in his hand and cheese puff crumbs on my chest.

I first became aware of Letterman when he first started appearing on the Tonight Show in the mid 70’s. He used to come on and do 10 minutes of standup and then sit down and talk with Johnny. Always entertaining and funny stuff.

I understand he is an acquired taste like mussels, lamb or this blog. And like any acquired taste, those that really love him, really love him. ( Maybe I should take myself out of that acquired taste list. I’ve never had one comment either suggesting love or profound disgust. I’ve got a couple of followers but those are internet marketers looking to cash in on my gullibility). Letterman was like the cool funny person in high school that you always wanted to be with in his/her inner circle. You’d be on his side making fun of the jocks, dopers and math geeks and you felt like you weren’t such a loser because you got it. And he always did it with respect, humility and reverence to the comedians of the past. You could see a lot of Steve Allen in the asides. He often said when someone tried to explain his importance, “Aw c’mon, I’m just a stooge with a talk show, for the love of God.”

But Letterman is also hysterical when he’s making fun of himself. Its hard to just sit through just making fun of others. Then its Rush Limbaugh. A pompous blowhard who thinks he’s better than everyone. Letterman used to say, “I want to continue doing this show until its sad” and then he give that take into the camera. In his retirement announcement he said, “I always said I wanted to keep doing this show until its no longer fun. And then keep doing it another 10 years.” Classic Letterman. And that aint gonna happen anymore and definitely not for another 10 years.

Then when he got his own show I’d watch him every night at 12:30 live after Carson. His show was electric and ground breaking. You would start to see other shows that weren’t even entertainment related like ESPN’s Sports Center copy his smart ass approach. The difference was Letterman’s act was ad libbed off of what someone just said or just happened. The others were scripted.

The way I watch Letterman now is on DVR. I’m old and in bed by 10. I can’t even remember the last time I was up at 12:30 unless it was to go to the bathroom. I get home from work and watch hockey. In between hockey intermissions and commercial breaks or when there is no hockey, I’ll watch last night’s show. I watch the monologue, fast forward through the commercials and watch the bit after the commercial. This is usually the funniest part of the show. Then I fast forward through more commercials and through the actor/actress guests. Nothing there but attention freaks plugging themselves. Some guest segments like Martin Short, Nathan Lane, Billy Crystal and Tom Hanks were worth watching. They would usually have some funny story or bit prepared. They probably let Letterman know what the bit was so he could set them up or go along. I’ve seen those guys on Conan or Leno and they weren’t as good. Speaking of which, you tube some of the appearances of Leno or Seinfeld on the old show. They were magic together.

Continuing to fast forward, I’ll keep an eye on the speeded up Letterman to see if he’s laughing, ready to hit stop and back it up to see what tickled him. Often times there’s a video bit or a show announcer, Alan Kalter bit that’s pretty funny and I’ll watch that. I love it when Letterman stops him because he’s going way, way out of bounds and Kalter explodes hilariously or says, “Back to you, Duck Face! ( or Gomer!)” Then its more fast forwarding to sometimes a stand up comedian and then to the musical act at the end. I always watch the beginning of the musical act to see if its anything. That is my only link to anything current going on in music today.

Letterman also had reoccurring bits that never got old even though you knew they were coming. He had favorite old jokes like when New York would have the Westminister Dog Show and Fashion Week going at the same time and “between the cat show and the fashion shows, we got bitches coming and going.” Or at Christmas time when he would talk about going out to get a hooker and a Christmas tree and would get mixed up and throw the tree in the back and strap the hooker to the hood of the car. Or at Thanksgiving when his mother would get liquored up on bloody Marys and they would find her out lying in the snow. “It was so cute. A reindeer was licking the salt off her lips.” If you’ve ever seen his saintly mother, you’d know that never happened. Stupid but if you’re looking for cerebral go you tube yourself some Mort Sahl or Lenny Bruce. And obviously male oriented. My wonderful, tasteful wife didn’t particularly care for him in the beginning. She still doesn’t have the adolescent hero worship I have for him but she finds him humorous now in small doses. He would ask the audience “anyone here from Iran” and the camera would pull back to include Shafer and the band. Three guys in the band would have their hands up and Letterman would say, “its always the horn section.” This is borrowed from Carson who used to do this with Severinson’s band.

Old friends will be missed like Biff, Shafer, Tony, the cue card “boy.” Stage hand Pat Farmer, writer Joe Grossman, writer, who Dave would tell to get out after the bit and would always start to go the wrong way, Lyle the intern, writer Gerard Mulligan and the greatest side bit of them all, Chris Elliot. Elliot, one time on the old show did a viewer mail bit where he was asked if there was any difference between cooking oils and you thought he was going to fry something to see the difference. Instead he took a big healthy glug-alug-alug from each bottle. He then stopped and paused while thinking deeply and replied straight faced, “I can’t tell a difference, Dave.”

But you never want to see anyone go past his prime. I remember when my hero, but 42 year old Willie Mays fell down in the outfield chasing a fly ball in the 1973 World Series. The Rolling Stones are no longer watchable. I also remember Groucho Marx on the Dick Cavett show in the late sixties or early seventies. You could tell he still had the quick mind but the quick delivery was gone. Obviously, the reality is that everything eventually ends. Letterman isn’t in his 20’s anymore. Be careful what I wish for. I would definitely not want a memory of Letterman no longer able to keep up, looking out of it in his old age. Maybe subconsciously I’m not ready to accept that either him or I are no longer in our prime. Still, I’m gonna miss the big lug.

Field Trip

166 Sundays to go.

Malcolm X was assassinated at the Audubon Ballroom near 166th and Broadway in New York City on February 21, 1965.
U-166 was the only German submarine lost in the Gulf of Mexico.

This week we had a field trip. Normally I like field trips. It’s nice to see the children excited about something new. Its also not the same old, sometimes drudgery of getting them to pay attention and focus on something that quite frankly isn’t all that exciting. A teacher wants every lesson to be thrilling and captivating but its just not reality. Its also not practical. There’s too much curricula and not enough time. Sometimes and in fact most times its me up in front and them with their hands folded, quiet and listening to me and quietly following along in their book or workbook.

Field trips are fun for the children but stressful for me. Every day is stressful but this is a different kind of stress. As soon as we leave the classroom, I stop caring about if they’re learning and having fun. A successful field trip is if I come back with the same number of children I left with. If I leave with 21 and come back with 21 it was a good day. I don’t even care that I left with 3 chaperones and now there are only 2. Maybe I have a stressed out child of the missing chaperone but I can call home and get someone else to take the child home. The adult can figure things out and I’m not going to lose my job if the parent got lost.

I was responsible for the buses on this trip as I usually am. Normally you call the bus, tell them when, where, who and how many and bada-bing-bada-boom you have an email confirmation the next day. This time I called the bus and was told I had to send an email. No problem. I sent the email and waited but never got the bada-boom. I sent the email again and again no bada-boom and so I had to call. Unfortunately the lady who handles the bada-boom was not available until after I leave so I had to wait for the next day. I called and found out the reason I never got the confirmation was because there had no more buses available for that day. Hmmm…O…..K…… how about telling me that? Now I’m starting to worry. Another teacher has already booked the hard to get date at the site and we have no way to get there. So, I scramble around and get another couple of bus service possibilities. Luckily I get another bus and this time I get a bada-boom for my bada-bing. We’re set. I’m a big shot. I’m Batman. I took care of business and now I’m a big hero.
A month or so later, another teacher in our grade level has decided she doesn’t want to go. She has a horrible class. It’s her first year and she came in mid year after the children had a string of substitutes. Its very difficult to establish routines and a behavior modification system midyear. It happened to me my first year. The district office knew we weren’t going to have enough teachers for the grade but did nothing about it until October. They do this every year. Unfortunately as sometimes happens she also got an unfair share of unmotivated and unmotivatable children with parents who are not involved with their offspring’s education and consider school as that free baby sitting service that takes their children for 7 hours a day. It happens. A few were transferred into our classes but you can’t disrupt all the classes by completely re-forming the classes. Almost every teacher has a horror story or seven about getting an disproportional amount of “challenging” students.

         So, anyway, she does not feel comfortable taking this group of students.    Rightly, she didn’t feel she could adequately control them and couldn’t get enough responsible parents to chaperone.    Just having a parent to chaperone is not enough.    Parents can sometimes not be of much help.    They think they’re on a field trip to have fun.     They aren’t paying attention to their group of 3,4 or 5 students.    If its a small confined area that can be Ok.    But if its a big place and lots of things to see, groups can see more if they go off by themselves to explore at their own pace.    This was a big place and the teacher didn’t feel she could provide the necessary safety which is a teacher’s primary concern.
I called the bus back to see if we could go with only one bus but was told that we couldn’t fit 40 students and 10 chaperones on one bus.   We could but it would be really crowded.    Maybe if it was a short trip but we were driving 60 miles and would experience some rush hour traffic.
The morning of the bus arrives and we go out to the bus.   We got on the bus and its raining and the traffic is bad.    We live in a major city and the morning traffic is stop and go.   Halfway into the trip an alarm is going off and no one can figure out what is causing it.    The driver tells me that it means someone has tripped one of the emergency exits and to check them all.    There is nothing obvious with any of the exits so we have to endure a loud buzzing for about 20 minutes until she exits the freeway and pulls over to check.     She finds nothing wrong and we continue to our destination through city streets and a loud buzzing sound.

       Once at the site, she drops us off and tells me that she has been informed that she would not be taking us home because her company wasn’t supposed to be taking us.   She tells me another bus company, the other company I called, is coming to take us home. More to worry about.   At the moment we are 60 miles from home and no way to get home.    Who is coming?   How will we know when and where they will be here?   Will we get back before the end of the school day?    Luckily….not luckily like I won the lotto or I got lucky with my wonderful wife….I have the other company in my cell phone.   I call them while we’re waiting to go in and kids excitedly tugging at my shirt telling me about all the cool things they’re seeing.
Right away I start questioning myself and thinking I made a huge mistake.   I remember trying to get the first bus and asking for confirmations and start convincing myself that, now that I think about it, the confirmation I eventually got was from the first company.    I never cancelled the first bus and I booked two different bus companies for the same trip.    It costs $500 per bus and my school is now on the hook for 2 companies X 2 buses and its all my fault.   I’m feeling terrible and its all I can think about.   That night I got about 2 hours sleep.
Normally I am pretty emotionally stable and am deeply conscious of the present moment.   I am aware that the past and the future are just thoughts.     Thoughts are not reality and yada-yada-yada…     This time it wasn’t working.    Instead of realizing I was at home and sleeping, I am in six hours ago thinking about how I screwed up and then 8 hours ahead worried about dancing for my principal trying to explain how I could have two buses going.    I was in none of those places.   I was in my bed and there were no buses, schools, or children anywhere.     I would realize that and begin to breathe deeply but then suddenly I would realize that I was back again in the past or off future tripping for the past minute or so.
The next day I go into the office in the morning to explain my sorry self.    I see the administrative assistant (secretary) and she starts talking to me about the screw up.    She was the one who had to handle the buses.    She tells me the first bus screwed up.      They never confirmed the reservation and our school wouldn’t be giving them a dime.     Pounds of relief drop off of me.    It wasn’t my fault other than I should’ve realized we weren’t getting on the bus with the right name.    But when you’re a teacher and you see a bus, you’re just thrilled the bus showed up.   They said we were going to the place we wanted to go and that was good enough for me.

And for the moment I was enjoying the present moment again.

March Madness

167 Sundays to go.

167 million people were expected to shop online on Cyber Monday, the first Monday day after Thanksgiving in 2013 according to cbs.com news.
Martina Navratilova won 167 tennis titles, a record for both men and women.

March is my favorite time of the sports year. The hockey games are now meaningful with teams trying to make the Stanley Cup playoffs in April. The baseball season is only a couple of weeks away and the NCAA basketball tournament is beginning. But it is also the time of some of my worse relapses in alcoholism.

I really love the beginning of the tournament. I don’t watch a single college game all year and don’t even follow the rankings. I really have no idea what is happening until the weekend before the tournament starts. I’m too busy following hockey, my first sports love. On the Sunday before they have a big show on CBS in which they announce the schools and the seedings. This is when the mania starts. For four straight days, I am watching the expert analysis shows and when those are over I am scouring the internet for more expert analysis. I feel like I’m going blind by the time they actually start playing games.

I always take the opening Thursday and Friday game days off from work and watch basketball literally all day, from 9AM until 10PM. I run a tournament pool and I always think this is the year I finally contend. But by the second day I am once again out of it. Seriously, every year, I am out of it breathtakingly early. All of my sheer fire brackets have been blown to smithereens. I’m not sure where The Smithereens are but I’m pretty sure its not too far from my hometown of Loserville.

This year was no exception. My wonderful wife and I went out to lunch on Thursday the first day. We went to a restaurant that had a TV so I could watch the games. This year I was losing every close game or every game that was a tossup. I was whining and moaning about this cruel fate. My wife looked up from flipping through her parmesan crusted chicken salad and said, “Doesn’t this happen every year?” I dabbed barbecue from the corner of my lip with a napkin and muttered, “I guess.” Then she says, “Maybe you’re not all that good at it.” She wasn’t trying to be mean. She has been watching me for years get all excited about the tournament. Then by the second day I’m moping around the house, difficult to be around and she finally said the obvious. “Maybe you’re not all that good at it.” That’s not true. The truth is I totally suck at it. And I look forward to going through it all again next year.

The tournament also has a dark side and plays bookend settings in my addiction/recovery story. In the late 80’s I was doing office jobs and going back to school for my teaching credential. I had stopped drinking for awhile after a not so gentle suggestion from my wonderful wife. The suggestion came with the idea that if I didn’t care for her plan I would be recovering from my hangovers somewhere else.

This night was the championship game and I had a night class. I decided to blow off the class and go to a bar to watch the game (of course without telling my wife). As usual, I thought I could watch the game, just have a couple of beers and pull it off. But as usual, I had way more than one or two beers and was three sheets to the wind by the time the game was over. I did not get away with it and it was the beginning of 10+ years of sobriety after the suggestion was changed to a demand. I called it a bookend role because the tournament was also the scene of the end of that long, long period of sobriety.

Fast forward to the March, 2000. I had been privately congratulating myself that I had gone all of the 90’s without drinking. The subtle idea began to emerge that maybe I was cured and could drink normally. This is alcoholic thinking and should’ve been a warning of bad times to come. My wife would never agree to me doing “normal drinking” to see how it goes. She knows. You’d think I would know. So that year I decided when she went off to work when I was at home the first day of the tournament I would give it a go. My thinking was that I could drink a six pack, get drunk, sleep it off, get up, get rid of the evidence, shower and be and look normal by the time she came home about 4. More alcoholic thinking and the mere thought should have screeched like a fire alarm. I bought a six pack and stashed it in the garage. The second she left I popped that sucker in the freezer to be cool in an hour.

I started drinking about 9AM, another serious alcoholic red flag. By the time I had drank 4 beers about an hour or so later, I was lit up. On 4 beers! Ripped and feeling like I was on top of the world. 10 years previous that buzz would’ve taken close to a 12 pack. And I did get away with it. I polished off the 2 others, passed out, got up about an hour before my wife was coming home. I showered and got rid of the evidence.

But a month or so later, I sneak drank again and then what I always heard in AA about relapse drinking began to come true. My periods of sobriety became shorter and shorter and when the dust had settled, I was drinking every day again. I never drank during the day but as soon as I came home I was plotting how to sneak alcohol into house and how to drink it. My only conscious thoughts were about drinking. And the next morning I was hung over and miserable because I knew I had reached the point of no return. I couldn’t stop drinking and I didn’t know how to stop. I had no one to confide in or so I thought. I know now that my wonderful wife would have been very understanding and supporting. She initially would be angry and disappointed but she would do anything to help me as long as I wanted to get help. And members of AA are always there to listen and help. I was still going to weekly AA meetings as I always did but I was lying my rear end off and pretending to be Mr. 10 Years of Sobriety. What the H, E, Double Toothpicks happened. What happened was I forgot the Cardinal Rule of AA: Don’t take the first drink.

A few months later I over did it and got really drunk at home and my wife confronted me. At first I denied as any self-respecting lying piece of crap alcoholic would do. But I realized suddenly that the jig was up. She was steadfastedly not going to listen to my lies. It was over. I admitted what was going on and cried like a baby. Crying with shame and relief. The psychological horror of the last few months was over and I was going to be Ok. I went back to AA and admitted what I had done and was welcomed back with open arms. I had always seen people in AA relapse and announce themselves as newcomers. Everyone gets really happy and the love just pours out for that person. I never considered that they’d do that for me. I am forever grateful to the rooms and people of AA and of course for my wonderful wife who I absolutely do not deserve. I’m going to post this and go off some place and cry with gratitude.

59 Million Dumb Americans

168 Sundays to go.

As of November, 2013, There have been 168 filibusters in the congress of the United States. 82 under President Obama alone and 86 under all the other presidents combined. Nothing that hints of blatant obstructionism in those numbers.
There are 168 hours in one week.

This one isn’t going to be a barrel full of laughs not like that hilarious screamer last week on God.

In 2008, after President Bush, or Chimp as my wonderful wife and I refer to him, stole a second election there was a newspaper in Europe that screamed in its headline: “President Bush re-elected! How can 59 million people be so dumb?” http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushdumbpeople.htm There are 8 groups of people you wouldn’t necessarily think of as dumb who are Republican.

The first group is the richest 1% of the United States. The Republican party uses the last 7 groups to vote against their best interests and win elections. They know they cannot win elections with only 1% of the vote. They use group #1 to get the money to brainwash the other 7 groups. They use wedge issues like abortion, gay marriage, and gun control. They really don’t care about any of those issues but putting those measures on the ballot will get their people out to vote. While they’re in the box, they’ll vote for the Republican politicians who have been campaigning on those issues. Republicans have no real ideas about issues that actually matter like jobs, and the economy.

Their view is that if the people with all the money are happy they will trickle it on down to the rest of us and the economy will boom. Unfortunately, they don’t trickle it down. They keep it which is certainly their right but they shouldn’t get more tax breaks or get corporate welfare if they are sending the jobs overseas or putting their millions in offshore accounts to avoid paying more on taxes. Taxpayers shouldn’t be subsidizing their indulgence in multiple vacation homes and extravagant play things or even the money it takes to influence elections.

It’s important that the other 7 groups never hear any outside information other than the brainwashing. Fox News is the mouthpiece of the Republican party to feed the brainwashed with misinformation. Fox News and conservative radio stations tell their sheep that all the other media are liberal and it probably sounds like they are. If every time, the name Obama or the Democratic Party is mentioned, it is followed by a negative analysis, it becomes conditioning. So, when by chance you stumble onto the normal corporate media presentation and they’re doing an Obama story and he is just doing something in his presidential duties, you expect a snide comment afterwards. When you don’t hear it, it sounds like it is favorable or biased. Hence corporate news media like CNN are thought to be liberal. Other than the week nightly block of shows on MSNBC, all the media has a conservative bias. They follow every Democratic quote with a Republican or 4 disagreeing. They don’t always do that with the Republican and it goes unopposed and presented as fact.

Here are the 8 Groups. Ripping off Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a Republican if:

1. You are one of the richest 1% of the population.

2. You are a racist white male.

3. You are a fundamentalist Christian.

4. You are a fascist who believes in American Exceptionalism. Just by mere chance of sperm joining up with an egg and coming out of the womb of another American, you are superior to anyone else not American.

5. You are a gun enthusiast.

6. You are patriotic.

7. You are ignorant and have no critical thinking skills. Ignorance is not dumb. It is just an absence of acquired knowledge. For example I am ignorant of present day popular music. I don’t listen to it and am not interested in it and therefore I know nothing about it. But I don’t criticize it or state someone else’s opinion of it and pass it off as my own.

8. You are flat out stupid.

This is how Fox News and conservative news brainwashes the groups to keep them in the fold:

Group 2. They appeal to the wallets of the racists. They have very little disposable income because the richest 1% have 90+% percent of the wealth. They tell the reason they aren’t doing well that their taxes are too high and the races they don’t like are responsible. The truth is that white people account for 39% of the welfare takers or about the same as blacks. http://charlotte.cbslocal.com/2013/07/02/poverty-in-america-myths-about-welfare-recipients/ But even though that is true, only 12% of the average tax payers’ taxes are spent on social net programs for the poor. But 60% of the average tax payers’ taxes are spent on socialist corporate welfare. http://www.cbpp.org/cms/?fa=view&id=1258 When the econmony was reviving and Wall Street was making record profits once again, they did not use this money to create jobs as Republicans said the “job creators” would do. Instead, 90% of those record profits went for corporate bonuses. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/31/business/31pay.html?_r=0

Our tax money went to another vacation home or yacht for those that are already well off.

Group 3. The Republicans have succeeded in branding themselves as the party for real Christians. They put wedge issues like abortion and gay marriage on the ballot to get out the vote. Jesus, in the Bible I have read was a socialist and said things like give up your wealth and follow me. A camel will pass through the eye of a needle before a rich man gets to heaven. One thing he never said was anything about abortion or homosexuality. The fundy Christians tweek Bible verses that supposedly if you read it right sound anti abortion or anti gay. But there are many, many, many verses that are overtly socialist and anti rich. But you don’t hear Fox News or the Fundy Christian leaders who are obscenely rich saying anything about that. Abortion would seem to be opposed in the 10 Commandments in that one about killing. But it would also be wrong to kill people actually born in wars or the death penalty which Republicans support with great passion.

Group 4 Jesus was a middle eastern Jew who was probably dark skinned. His kind would not be welcome in the Republican party.

Group 5. These are the gun humpers. No one is trying to take away their precious guns no matter what Fox News and conservative radio and the powerful NRA, spending million of dollars spreading this crap, is saying. People who favor gun control and backround checks are just saying you don’t need assault weapons. Even their hero, Ronald Reagan was opposed to assault weapons. http://www.politifact.com/georgia/statements/2013/feb/05/barack-obama/did-reagan-support-assault-weapons-ban/

Group 6. Republicans have decided they own the patriotic American vote because they are willing to put troops in harms way at a moment’s notice. Funny, as in not really, that almost none of the Republicans who were so excited to go to war in Iraq actually served in the military. During the Vietnam War, Bush was drafted but went AWOL from his cushy stateside deployment and Cheney had seven deferments. They grew up pampered rich kids and think that’s a job for the inferior poor and middle class kids. A real patriot would only want our brave soldiers to be in a position where they could die if its absolutely necessary. Iraq was unnecessary. It had nothing to do with 9/11. In fact Karl Rove, Bush’s so-called brain admitted the administration lied about the reasons they claimed were needed to kill 4,500 U. S. soldiers and hundreds of thousands of innocent non-combatant Iraqis. http://consortiumnews.com/2012/04/26/bush-did-lie-about-iraq/ That’s the proof the media is not liberal. That went under the radar and unreported on all the corporate media. Can you imagine if Gore or Kerry was the president and that happened? 24/7 coverage on that one. Bush/Cheney/Rove/Rumsfeld should all be facing charges of war crimes over that admission. And executed if found guilty. In the present day, Republicans want our soldiers in the Ukraine fighting the Russians. The first American combatants sent there should be the sons and daughters from the politicians who voted to send them. Then you’d see a meaningful filibuster.

Group 7. Bush would not have been able to steal 2 elections without 64% of the votes from the uneducated white male voting block. http://www.newrepublic.com/blog/plank/103969/obama%E2%80%99s-problem-white-non-college-educated-voters-getting-worse College courses develop critical thinking skills. You are forced to entertain and articulate views you may not support or have understood before. After which you can decide for yourself. The ignorant Republican wants to be told how to think and then will arrogantly pass it off as their own. Mark Twain said it is easier to fool people then to convince people they have been fooled.

Group 8. Bingo. This is everyone else especially the women who vote Republican. Republican men consistently make policy against equal pay for women, outlawing abortions, restricting access to contraception, and other women’s health care issues that only women should get to decide.

There is hope. Republican popularity is declining. The average Fox News viewer is 68 years old and won’t be around too much longer and American demographics are getting less white. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2550377/The-average-age-Fox-Viewers-68-majority-politically-conservative-white.html It would help if the Democrats would grow a backbone and act like the opposition party.

‘Splainin ‘Bout God

169 Sundays to go.

169 is a prime number. 13 X 13 = 169

I don’t know much. But if there’s one thing I do know is that by sharing righteously what I don’t know, I’ll be sure to offend you. So, lets get started. Here’s my take on God. Don’t bother taking notes because it tends to go all over the place.

I was raised a Catholic but my indoctrination into the faith didn’t last too long. I went to catechism and received my first communion and went to church with my family for about 2 years. I’m not sure why we stopped going. I remember the taste of the communion wafer and going to confession. I also remember that since I have a low attention span, I was not exactly hanging on every Golden Word the priest was saying. One favorite activity was looking up at the lights on the ceiling of the church. If I would squint my eyes slowly and open slowly again up and down, I could make rays of light stream and dance up and down. Try that next time you’re held captive in a place for a long time like the DMV. Looking back at it, I’m sure I probably looked pretty odd doing it but maybe it provided entertainment for the others around me who also were having trouble paying attention. Remember that also when you’re at the DMV to look around before doing the dancing lights thing.

When I was in high school I worked with a guy who was a born-again Pentecostal Christian. He talked me into going to his church. I was in a phase where I was really insecure. I’m still insecure but nothing like the hyper insecurity I went through in high school. So, I was just ripe for the picking of a religious cult. If you could have said the right magic words you would have had a willing spacey-eyed disciple. He seemed really excitedly happy and that was attractive. I was really impressed, which is to say scared to death of what I saw. There was a lot of screaming and speaking in tongues and arms raised to the ceiling. If you’re going to believe in God this was the way to do it. They got into it and didn’t mess around.

I still feel that way but unfortunately, I have a hard time buying into a personal God that makes things happen just for me. He’s got enough balls juggling in the air to be also concerned about a grain of sand like me. A God that AA talks about that does for me what I can’t do for myself like in the Footprints poem. He also puts things in front of me as a test to see how I get though it. A Devine Puppet Master. When someone is going through a rough stretch, people in AA say “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” But I have a feeling the people and their loved ones in the Twin Towers on 9/11 have a different take on that. Another one is “God doesn’t close one door without opening another.” What if the one that’s opening isn’t all that great of an option either?

When I went back to college for my teaching credential in my thirties, I took an Eastern Religions class and really enjoyed it. Our professor was a Sikh. He was a pleasant white guy with a white guy given name who had converted with the usual male Sikh surname of Singh. Even though he was a devout Sikh, he gave an unbiased study of all the eastern religions and to this day, I have a deep appreciation for all faiths. I really took to Buddhism. I began to meditate. I first was into Zen and then Tibetan Buddhism and still go back and forth between the two. Lovely, peaceful stuff as is Christianity if you take out the present-day fundamentalism which seems totally adverse to what Jesus taught.

With Christianity I could never fully embrace the theory of dying and going to heaven. There is solid evidence for the dying part but the going to heaven part, not so much. What would the positive gain of that be? You go through a lot of ups and downs on Earth and then you get to go through it again for eternity with the same people who provided some of the downs? It’d be nice to see your loved ones again but quite frankly there were times when they could be pretty annoying. Is that going to change? Don’t they still have the same annoying qualities? And nothing but happiness, hearts and balloons would get pretty boring. You need some contrasting downs or you don’t appreciate the ups. You need the searing burn of a cold sore in your mouth going away to make you appreciate being pain free. And I can’t even begin to imagine how crowded it must be getting up there with only additions and no subtractions. Picture a crowded city bus at rush hour with several more people getting on at each stop. Bing!

Also can’t see God, if he really is a compassionate God sending someone to eternal hell even if he/she was a complete jerk. What is the purpose of that? Is God getting some sadistic kick out of making people suffer even if they do kinda deserve it. No second chances of redemption after you realize the errors of your ways? And if He is so all powerful why didn’t he manipulate the jerk’s behavior before the mortal did all of his or her dastardly deeds? Why did He let him/her pull all that crap? And if it was the work of the devil, well, God doesn’t sound like he’s got the full all powerful thing going on.

But the eastern religion angle of reincarnation also sounds like a lot of science fiction. You die. Then you go into a Bardo state which is like a waiting area before you inhabit a new life and become reincarnated. Your built up positive or negative karma determines which cool or uncool life you get reborn into. Sounds like the teleportation deck on Star Trek. Beam me down Scotty. Try to hook me with that rich expecting one with the kind smile.

As a public school teacher, of course I don’t share any of these evil and blasphemous ideas with my impressionable students. In my district, I have about a 70/30 split of Christians and Buddhists. When something like Easter comes up, I tell them that Christians believe this is the time to celebrate when Jesus rose up from being dead and went to heaven. Or that the Buddha and Jesus were real people who taught people how to live and be happy. Of course, being curious, they ask me what I believe. But I tell them that it is personal. They should ask their parents about those sort of things.

I have a hunch that the early Christians thought they had to sell the idea of Jesus and make him more than he really was. Most of the Bible was written more than a hundred years after he died. They felt like they had to make up a lot of magic stuff because they didn’t think his socialism of being kind to others would be attractive enough. They also had to scare people into following with stories of a vengeful God who punishes if you don’t play along. Who is going to be good just for the sake of being good? History supports almost all of the Bible but no evidence exists for the magic. That was a Rush Limbaugh/Fox News editorial device. I don’t know if that’s true or not but if I say it with enough conviction you might buy it as fact. I think it sounds pretty good! The early Buddhists didn’t have to do that with the historical Buddha. They do talk about all of his past lives and he supposedly did some magic but it is a very minor part of the story. They admit that he died at age 80 when he ate some bad rice. Seriously, this is no Limbaugh bit. He was out on a begging/alms round and was given rancid rice. He didn’t want to offend so he ate it and died a few days later.

Like I said, I don’t know. And I’m sorry if it took so long to prove it to you. What God is, is so far beyond the understanding of this human being. I have a hunch that God is Everything, no separation from anything, The One, “one without a second” as the Advaitists say. And as such God could also be Me pretending not to understand, playing the fool and writing this blog for His own amusement. And God would then also be You pretending to be offended and irritated. There is no meaning behind why things happen. They happen because a myriad number of things happened before it and it is what it is.

The best thing to do is just be as friendly and nice as I can and put others before me. I know I get happy when I do something that makes my wonderful wife and others happy. That’s the reward to being good. Everyone wins if I do that. That’s probably what the Buddha and Jesus really taught. Can’t see St. Peter or the Gods who are crunching the numbers and matching up the reincarnations having much of a problem if I do that as best as I can. Just hope this particular blog doesn’t make it into my file. Then I’ll have some ‘splainin to do.

I Hate….something

Utah men knock down 170 million year old rock formation.http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/boy-scout-leaders-topple-utah-rock-formation-from-jurassic-period-then-cheer-video They had a reason but not a good reason. You need only to want to do something. That’s all that’s important. Or be able to make a profit. Then you’ve really got something.

“I like reading except for all the words.” I had a friend’s brother tell me that once. That’s one of those statements that makes your head spin around your neck like an Eastern Screech Owl. I’ve got a confession about reading that’ll spin your head. Wait a minute, let me draw the curtains and turn the volume up on the TV. Come here a little closer. I really don’t want anyone to hear this because I’m a public school teacher and I have a reputation to uphold. The right wing with their penchant for teacher bashing would love to get ahold of this. Ok, are you ready. I….wait a minute…are you wearing a wire? Ok, here it is…. I hate reading books.

Ok, I said it. Yes. There it is in black and white: A teacher of elementary school kids who teaches reading all day long, successfully too, I might add, has just said he hates reading books. That’s like a preacher saying “I hate public speaking.” A pig saying “I hate mud.” A Republican politician saying “I hate rich white males.” There are some things I enjoy reading but the problem is that I cannot read for more than 15 minutes without wanting to quit. I subscribe to several magazines. I enjoy eastern spiritual books, political articles on the internet and the sides of cereal boxes.

The problem is that I have a really low attention span. Really low, in fact my attention is so low that I…wait, how long has that cobweb been up there? I just vacuumed and dusted in here, how did I miss that? Hmm, oh well, what was I doing? Why am I on my blog? What? “…like reading except for all the…Eastern Screech Owls…rich, white males…” Whaaaaat?!?!?

Oh, yeah, I have a low attention span. Its always been like that. I think I was ADHD before it was cool. It could have been career threatening when I was in college. This may be not be a real big news flash but you have to do a lot of reading in college and that only being able to read for 15 minutes thing was kinda debilitating. Kinda blew really, really bad. But one thing I could do well with my journalism training writing for a few small newspapers was take notes like a demon. So I really didn’t have to read everything if I could attend every class and use my Olympic gold medal caliber note taking ability. A professor was only going to lecture on what is really important and might show up on the test. So I got through on relying on that knowledge alone.

It doesn’t matter what the subject I’m reading is. I love non-fiction books on sports, music and history but never seem to be able to finish any of them unless I stay with it for a couple of weeks. I could be given a book and told somewhere in this book is where, when and how I will die. I will still at some point have to look for a bookmark because I’m going to want to remember where I stopped so I don’t have to re-read something I already read. Who wants to do that? It’ll still be there when I get back. I’ll just have to hope that the method of death revealed isn’t that the house exploded while I was taking a nap with my book resting comfortably on my chest. That would suck. But not really because I would be dead. I wouldn’t know. I’m dead for crissakes.

The problem is not hereditary. Both of my sisters will get a book they like and settle in on the couch and happily go at it until the end. My stay-at-home mother would go back-to-back-to-back and beyond from the morning she got up till the time she went to bed. My brother, with a Masters in History, once found out about a small museum curator job interview for the following Monday on the Friday before. He read academic local California history tomes late into the night without a break all weekend, aced his interview and got the job. I get about 16 pages in and I realize I haven’t a clue of what I read the past 4 because I was thinking how impressive it is that I’ve read this long. Then I gotta take a quick glance at the cover to remember what I was reading.

Please don’t hate me. Be disgusted, revolted and embarrassed for me. But please don’t hate me.

Respond Properly

171 Sundays to go.
In 1912, Elsie Scheel weighed 171 pounds and was considered to be the perfect woman by the New York Times. Imagine popular culture and society thinking the perfect woman doesn’t have to look emaciated. Yeah, and then I woke up. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/26/perfect-woman-1912_n_2365529.html
WSP 171 , a course offered at Stanford Continuing Studies is entitled Coffee: From Bean to Tree and Everything in Between. Sounds too academically rigorous to me.

I bought a book about 5 years ago but I could not quite get into it. Seemed too light and basic not the sort of thing for a great mind like mine. But getting back to basics is not just sometimes, but usually just what I need. On a whim, I picked up the book, Meeting The Monkey Halfway by Ajahn Sumano Bhikkhu again this week. I had been in my den, straightening and cleaning my whim, after being shocked at just how dusty it had gotten. I decided to give the book another go. Early, on (page 10)had this simple sentence, “We need only be aware and respond properly to every situation that life places before us.”

That’s it. That’s all I gotta do. Only. Couldn’t be more simple than that. And it couldn’t get much harder than that. I’m in the kitchen and there’s a delicious homemade chocolate chip cookie sitting there and I’ve already had 5. Don’t dwell on “who’s gonna know? I work hard, I deserve it.” Respond properly. Don’t eat it. Ballgame’s over. Pack up and go home. Don’t get depressed because I really wanted it. And don’t gloat because I must be the most perfect person in the world because I didn’t eat it. The game is over. There’s zeroes on the scoreboard clock! Take the next breath. It is over. Only the present moment. How peaceful! How inspiring! Did I do it? Do cats enjoy a refreshing swim? No! As usual its only something to be considered while I’m sitting in bed reading my spiritual books before sleeping.

On Saturday, my AA sponsor surprised me with a beautiful gold plated chip for 2 years of sobriety. Usually you get a brassy, metal alloy chip but this was really nice. He also gave me a book on the 12 Steps from the Buddhist tradition. My spirituality has its base in Buddhism though I also dabble in other Eastern Religions particularly Advaita Vendata. When he gave me the book, he said, “I hope you don’t have this one.” I didn’t hesitate when I told him, “Yeah, I already have that one.” I really felt crappy because I felt that I had blown his happy surprise.

If I was aware. I would’ve been considerate of my friend. I would have lied and said, “No, I don’t. That looks great. Thank you very much. I can’t wait to start reading it. Blah-blah-blah.” That’s not exactly rigorous honesty but it never hurts to be nice. “…rigorous honesty except when to do so, would injure them or others.”

But I didn’t and as usual I beat myself up over it. Well maybe just a short admonishment, a quick shove and a look of next time, I might not be so nice.

Later, I was at the grocery store and I noticed that they had an item similar to what I was purchasing that had expired. I brought it up to thoughtfully show them how impressive I was to notice it. Then they would praise me as a nice guy and they could get rid of it before anyone else saw it and reported them to the Board of Health. I handed it to the cashier before giving her my other items. I told her it was expired and she took it, scanned it and said she would give me a refund. I never bought it. I let her continue ringing up the rest of my items without saying a word. If I was aware I would have told her I did not buy it. I was giving it to her to take it out of circulation.

I always say something when someone gives me back too much change. At the restaurant I will tell the waitress at the end if he/she forgot to charge us for something. In AA we call this cash register honesty. But I was strangely silent at this particular cash register. It was only 3 or 4 bucks but still stealing. I just sat back and watched like it was a movie and I was in the tenth row with a Costco sized popcorn and an $8 16oz. soda.

I did stop myself before exiting the premises with a long overdue attack of conscience and turned around and made things right. I went to the manager and said I thought the total was a little low and when I looked at it, I saw that..blah-blah-blah-liar-liar-his-pants-are-on-fire. But how or why did I let it get that far? I’m also going to re-read that book I said I already had and tell my sponsor how thankful I am that he got me to re-read it.

Respond properly and if I’m getting weak and selfish that Other Dude, Jesus had a pretty good one Himself, “Do unto others as you would have them do onto you.” If my wonderful wife wants me to watch figure skating and I got nothing else going on but I still find it boring as hell, shut up, don’t act like you’re at Guantanamo and watch the damn figure skating. And if I want her to watch the hockey game with me but she’s not into it, that’s cool even though I just watched her figure skating. Even if this is two great hockey superpowers, Canada and Sweden for the freakin’ gold medal for crissakes! Whatever makes her happy will make me happy even if it doesn’t seem so at the time. And at the bottom of the chip, it says right there, “To Thine Own Self Be True.” If I think its wrong, it is wrong. Even if no one else sees it. Respond properly.

So easy, right? Right. Now get out there and act like somebody!!!!!!!!!!! And bring me back some cookies. Some pig ate ’em all.

Half-Cocked

172 Sundays to go.

There were 172 episodes of Three’s Company on ABC. Always loved Don Knotts but not on that show.

I went out and got some lunch on Sunday. I wasn’t too thrilled with what my wonderful wife wanted so I went somewhere else instead. She loves salad and to eat healthy and I hate to eat healthy. Obviously I want to be healthy but I prefer meaty, greasy, cheesy blow-up-my-heart food. I was wanting me some fish tacos but I didn’t know where to get it on takeout so I took a chance and went to this place near where I was already going for my wife.

I get there and am disappointed because they don’t have fish tacos. So I settle on 3 super tacos, two chicken and one carnitas. In Spanish, is it one carnita and two carnitas? I know they add s’s for plurals since I took a few years of Spanish in middle school and high school. Anyway 3 tacos comes to 12 something which kinda shocked me and I grab ’em and head off over to my wife’s place. I get her stuff and am further shocked to find out her salad is $13. But I’m feeling better because I was feeling like I was spending too much on mine but its the same as hers.

I get home and get ready to slop all my crap on the plate and there’s only 2 tacos, not the three I paid for. Worse than spending too much is spending too much and then not get everything I paid for. I’m not calling right now because I’m hungry. Everything must wait if I got food that can be eaten right now. If there was a fire in the living room I’d probably at least consider how much damage would it do if I let it go until I was done with the meal.

The tacos are pretty damn good especially the carnita. When I’m hungry I’m a little agitated and unfriendly but put a little food in me and I become Mr. Rogers. Suddenly being ripped off is not that big of a deal. Really what am I going to get out of calling? I’m not going back there to pick up the other taco because its about 5 miles away. Is It really worth driving over there for $4. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble because really its basically my fault I didn’t check the order before I left. All I really wanted to do is let them know that I know that they screwed up and seriously, dude, watch it next time. One thing I’ve discovered and it works for me is that if I put the blame on myself, I’m not so angry. And usually it is my fault but I’m not going to go around carrying a grudge if I’m wrong. It really works in disagreements with my wonderful wife. And again, I’m usually the one wrong there too. Just suck it up and move on.

I wrote the above early in the week and obviously learned nothing from the experience. A couple days later, I bought Valentines Day cards for my students. I buy cheap ones that the kids buy and sign my name. I thought I hit the jackpot because I found Hello Kitty for the girls and Spider Man for the boys. The problem was the day before Valentine’s Day I started doing the cards for the girls and realized that half of them were inappropriate. They said “You are the cutest.” A male teacher cannot be giving these out to 8 and 9 year old girls. Now I didn’t have enough. I figured I would just go early to the grocery store by school and buy more. They didn’t have any more Hello Kitty but they did have these cute puppy dog Valentines cards so I scooped those up and went back to school. By now you can guess what happened. I didn’t make sure these ones were acceptable. One third said “You are adorable” and another one third said “Be My Valentine” which also doesn’t sound right. Once again, I don’t have enough so I decided to just give 3 “You are the cutest” to 3 girls and explain to the entire class what happened. I explained all the kids in the class are cute and that it doesn’t mean anything other than that.

My wonderful wife likes to call this mindless activity of mine, “going off half-cocked” and I have a feeling it won’t be the last time. I guess its better than going off quarter-cocked. That’ll be for my senile years…which sounds like its not in the too distant future.